Kiraa

You have a lot of potential and I like stories that are based off of a true event, even if some of the facts could be argued. The ideas within the story were good. There were some grammatical errors. I feel like you could add more emotion through the use of your structure and diction that would leave a more intense lasting impression. Your beginning and ending were good- maybe try using different writing techniques and details throughout the whole story that would really make it great. Overall, good story.

There were definitely some grammatical errors and spelling, as well as punctuation, but that can be fixed with some adjustments. I can tell this kind of fantasy story is something you like to indulge yourself in and somehow relate to, so that intrigues me a lot. It does seem a bit predictable but I also haven't read the next part yet, so maybe I'll be wrong :) overall, the story line is something of a typical teenage broken outcast surrounded by beautiful people- it may do some good to point out imperfections in the characters and talk about those things to add some more dynamic to the story. I am, however, enticed to read part two!