lemonslice

Does heartache make one a monster? In that case the world is only populated by monsters, which is a bit ... untrue.

Hi there,

I like how you depicted the relationship between characters. There's something there that you can work with when you revise this piece.

A lot of things in the dialogue, for example, can be cut. A good rule of thumb is that if anything said doesn't move the story or the characters forwards then it shouldn't be there. And you've got lots of chit-chat going on.

The other thing about your dialogue is its punctuation. SO many writers don't seem to understand how to punctuate dialogue and it just becomes a mess. Read up and study good dialogue closely, because I think you've got a hidden talent for it. Read a lot of books in the genre you write and you'll see what tips and tricks you can use in your own writing.

You've got some good stuff there, but I think your poor grammar and punctuation lets your story down. It also takes too long until anything significant happens.

You've got a decent structure and an interesting subject matter here. What lets you down are unnecessary typos and grammar mistakes.

This is more of a vignette than story, however. I do suggest you read up on the difference, because a lot of writers receive rejection letters because they don't understand this.

Sad and hopeless and depressing. Why not write something to make you feel better instead?

Hi Fate,

I appreciate the honest emotions you've put into the story so far.

However, it's considered cliché (and it's just bad writing) to include a character waking up and go through the morning chores i.e showering. Try and go into the actual story as quickly as you can and let those boring parts be left out. You've got a good feeling for writing. Keep it up!

I'm really impressed by the story. Well done!

I thought you had some really cool things included here, particularly starting in medias res. But it also reads just like any other on-the-rails zombie story, right? Am I missing something here?

And what does the "cleansing" sign mean? Because that is obviously not something our POV can know anything about, which means you're breaking POV every time you add that sign. You're writing in close 3rd, remember.

Why is it important for the reader to know how many thousands/millions of people die? That's kinda understood if it's an apocalypse, right?

It's a rookie mistake to use sweeping big picture descriptions during large battles and world-changing events in prose. Just focus on our main character and let everything else come naturally. Your writing is pretty good, have more confidence in yourself.

Keep up the writing!