United States • 57 y/oReviews Given
Cool poem! Excellent meter and economy. It's tightly crafted and has an impact. It works well when read aloud too. I might read it at a local Open Mic Night if you don't mind ... ?
Well done, keep writing!
This is a good story -- engaging and interesting.
J.A. Nolan's one-star rating is absurd. Her review makes some fair suggestions for improvement, but one star? Has she read any of the other stuff on shortstories101? This piece is superior to at least 90 percent of submissions -- and it's a vastly more ambitious piece of work at 10k+ words.
Well done, Sherzahd! Keep writing!
Great story! It needs proofreading and could be improved with some tightening up here and there, but overall it's engaging and entertaining. Good job!
Green Bin One is a fun short-short story (<1,000 words)! Thanks for contributing it.
I enjoyed the protagonist's perspective on the world ... he's like a more realistic version of Spaceman Spiff from Calvin & Hobbes.
My one complaint is that the first couple of paragraphs are exposition, which makes it a little slower to get into than if the opening showed us real-time action. Moreover, the opening confused me a little and I had to go back and read it a couple of times to comprehend the tongue-in-cheek aspect.
I noticed a few grammatical issues (outside of the intentional misunderstood words), but nothing really serious. It's well written and fun to read! Thanks again!
This piece includes some interesting ideas, and I'd like to learn where it's going. I wouldn't call it a "story," though; it's more of a snippet of a story.
This piece suffers from overuse of modifiers -- adjectives and adverbs. As noted in another review, I'd recommend using as few of them as possible.
Also I would echo what another reviewer said: Try to tell your story using regular language. Don't try to be flowery or complex. This piece is better than some of the work you've shared, in that the sentences are a bit shorter and more straightforward, but still you are relying a lot on modifiers, similes, and metaphors. An effective narrative relies mostly on verbs and nouns, and fairly basic sentence structures.
I hope this helps. Keep writing!
This story starts with an interesting premise, and includes some powerful imagery and unusual turns of phrase.
The piece lacks characterization and plot. As noted in another review, SaharaJem's has given us a glimpse into the end of the story. We want the _whole_ story.
This piece also suffers from overuse of modifiers -- adjectives and adverbs -- "intense heat" ... "sweaty shoulders" ... "searing agony" ... "awakening fully." It helps to think of adjectives and adverbs as expensive words. You have only a limited budget to spend on words. Verbs are free, so you should use as many of them as you can. Nouns are very inexpensive and so also are used constantly. Pronouns and prepositions are cheap too. Adjectives are very expensive, and adverbs are _ridiculously_ expensive. Try to use as few of them as possible.
I hope this helps. Keep trying!