Singapore • 20 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
You have some nice ideas in your writing and a good imagination. This does not, though, always come across as successfully as it should do. The main problem is your use of certain words: like many young and novice writers, you pepper your work with 'big' or 'clever' words to try and make your piece sound more 'intellectual', which frequently has the opposite effect.
Write in your own voice, as you would normally speak. There is no need - or benefit to you - in writing in a style that is not naturally you. Also, take care with your spelling and grammar as this spoils your work. Do not use numerals either (see the Submission Guidelines).
There is a budding storyteller in you. Keep writing, keep practicing and take on-board the advice offered to you. I look forward to reading more from you soon :-)
Great job on your story i reccomended it i favorited it and i also wrote this review
This story starts with an interesting premise, and includes some powerful imagery and unusual turns of phrase.
The piece lacks characterization and plot. As noted in another review, SaharaJem's has given us a glimpse into the end of the story. We want the _whole_ story.
This piece also suffers from overuse of modifiers -- adjectives and adverbs -- "intense heat" ... "sweaty shoulders" ... "searing agony" ... "awakening fully." It helps to think of adjectives and adverbs as expensive words. You have only a limited budget to spend on words. Verbs are free, so you should use as many of them as you can. Nouns are very inexpensive and so also are used constantly. Pronouns and prepositions are cheap too. Adjectives are very expensive, and adverbs are _ridiculously_ expensive. Try to use as few of them as possible.
I hope this helps. Keep trying!
This piece includes some interesting ideas, and I'd like to learn where it's going. I wouldn't call it a "story," though; it's more of a snippet of a story.
This piece suffers from overuse of modifiers -- adjectives and adverbs. As noted in another review, I'd recommend using as few of them as possible.
Also I would echo what another reviewer said: Try to tell your story using regular language. Don't try to be flowery or complex. This piece is better than some of the work you've shared, in that the sentences are a bit shorter and more straightforward, but still you are relying a lot on modifiers, similes, and metaphors. An effective narrative relies mostly on verbs and nouns, and fairly basic sentence structures.
I hope this helps. Keep writing!
Hiya,
I'd say this is a character vignette or a scene, rather than a story. For the most part, it's quite good but like other here say: think about the words you use. Less is more and don't substitute clarity with flowery prose that don't really mean anything.
Having a character waking up and preparing themselves for a day is cliché and something you should avoid in your writing. Always start your story as close to the inciting incident as possible. Keep up the writing!
A couple of grammatical mistakes here and there, but at least something exciting is happening at the very start. The trick to writing in first person POV is to not do the "laundry list" of actions that your character is doing, i.e:
I ran. I picked up the knife. I shivered etc ...
Also, avoid using the word "literally" and similar adverbs in prose.
Keep up the writing!