writingartist420

I quite liked the premise of your story. However, I found the unnecessary time references off-putting and the rather clunky "she goes" and "she comes" and so on also jarred. There are many good points to your story: I hope you will submit more of your work soon.

The part when the blanket comes alive really detaches from the story and makes it seem confusing and it doesn't fit in with the theme. If you just left it where she threw it out and was sad, that is a lot better than the jumbled mess of personification you made. Other than that, it's a pretty good story.

There is the basis here for a good story. Unfortunately you have not really told it very well. The scenes are clichéd and the dialogue stilted. There is little natural 'flow' to the story. You move from one idea or scenario with little in the way of explanation, which gives the story a somewhat 'clunky' feel.

You have also failed to follow the submission guidelines; the use of numerals in prose is very bad practice, yet there are numerous examples in your story. Number references should always be written in full: twelve years old, three-thirty, nine-one-one, for example.

Take time to check your spelling: "she manages not to hit another care..." would not be picked-up by your spell checker.

There is much to recommend in your story; at the same time it has many flaws. You write well but need to practice your art more - and to read more to get a better feel of how a story flows.

A good story well told. However, I found your introduction to the story annoying: I do not like to be told how I will feel before I have even begun to read a story. Please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. You might find it helpful and informative...