Hi there,

I like how you depicted the relationship between characters. There's something there that you can work with when you revise this piece.

A lot of things in the dialogue, for example, can be cut. A good rule of thumb is that if anything said doesn't move the story or the characters forwards then it shouldn't be there. And you've got lots of chit-chat going on.

The other thing about your dialogue is its punctuation. SO many writers don't seem to understand how to punctuate dialogue and it just becomes a mess. Read up and study good dialogue closely, because I think you've got a hidden talent for it. Read a lot of books in the genre you write and you'll see what tips and tricks you can use in your own writing.