United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Although this is a somewhat different take on the theme it IS yet another story about suicide/young death. The whole thing is becoming tedious, to be frank.
That being said, your personal story-telling skills elevate this one above most of the others. However, I do wish you would turn your talents to writing something more positive and upbeat rather than concentrate on this dreary, boring and overdone subject. You are MUCH better than this!
Your somewhat over-the-top and melodramatic delivery rather undermines the message you are trying to impart. Toned down a little this could be an impressive poem, but for me - as it stands - it is far too much...
The numerous punctuation, grammar and spelling errors spoil what could have ben an otherwise interesting and engaging story. As it is, the faults get in the way of the pleasure to be gained from reading your work.
It's all the more annoying when a simple quick check with your spell-checker would have revealed the problems before you submitted your story. You do yourself a disservice by not taking those extra few minutes...
On the plus side, you have a good imagination. With care you could become a very good writer. :-)
I am a fan of your work on the whole, but this one had me scratching my head. Not one of your better ones...
I loved the idea behind this story, but it is a tad confusing in places. It would have helped immensely if you had separated the dialogue in to separate lines to make identifying who was speaking easier.
Calling your lead character 'big brother', whilst kind-of cute, doesn't really work for me. I would have preferred he had a name.
Overall, a good story. :-)
You have written better poems than this one. This just does not work for me.
I am a fan of experimental works, but when it is so 'out there' as to be meaningless it undermines whatever you are attempting to achieve. There is little in your poem that allows readers to engage with your words, which is a pity. Poetry should invoke some sort of reaction other than leaving people wondering what the heck they have just read :-0
You are better than this effort. Not your finest hour, in my opinion :-)
There are big plusses in your story and some small negatives (in my opinion), but overall an interesting and engaging story. Personally I found the clichéd, nineteen-thirties/forties style of speech a bit old-fashioned and unoriginal.
Overall, a creditable effort and I'll certainly be looking out for more of your work :-)