United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
"The way your smile can protrude any boulder."
Up to this line your poem was quite entertaining and interesting. This line, though, kills it completely. It's meaningless and silly...
An 'unwritten rule' of writing, especially poetry, is that if you have to 'force' the line to come, it probably isn't going to work. This appears to be the case here. However, the rest of the poem works well, which saves it from being a disaster :-)
Some of your punctuation is wrongly placed, which makes reading your narrative somewhat 'jumpy' as it doesn't flow as smoothly as it ought to. However, it is an entertaining story and a peek into life as a teen back in your youth :-)
An interesting story, but at times is far too detailed to maintain reader interest. The minutiae of your telling is a tad tiresome and slows the pace of the story almost to a dead-stop in places. However, as an insight into social history it is revealing. Thank you.
This is an okay little effort - but we have had so many similar stories. It would have been much nicer if you had offered us something new and original as you have talent that can offer far more than what others have already done before...
This is developing into an interesting story. Unfortunately the errors in the piece detract from its overall effectiveness. Please take more care with your punctuation. It is spoiling otherwise good work as it interrupts the 'flow' of the narrative.
An interesting story idea. The first part of the story goes on a little too long to maintain reader interest... Personally, I am not sure that I would have put it at the beginning. Looking at the rest of the story I would have started it with the first three paragraphs after the dialogue opening, then inserted then exchange between Tom and his wife. Just an opinion, of course.
Take care with your grammar and punctuation: there are several instances of the incorrect word being used ('spend' for 'spent', for instance).
I hope we'll see more from you soon :-)
A very dour and downbeat offering. Many will relate I'm sure...
Sums up what it means to be a teenager in a few words. Clever and creative. I hope we see more of your work soon.