United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
An interesting premise for a story. Well done. Try to take a little more care with your punctuation (can't for cant, for instance) as it spoils your good work.
I quite liked the premise of your story. However, I found the unnecessary time references off-putting and the rather clunky "she goes" and "she comes" and so on also jarred. There are many good points to your story: I hope you will submit more of your work soon.
I feel your writing talent is being misdirected. Clearly you have a headful of stories that you would like to tell. With some guidance and advice you could become a good writer. In order to do so, though, you need to take more care with your writing and to pay more attention to detail. Much of what you write is good, but it is spoiled by a rather slap-dash approach. I would like to see your stories being praised for their content AND presentation - and I'll be the lead cheerleader when they are :-)
To some extent I agree with Pietroshek's review. The presentation of your work is very annoying to read, what with all the silly and unnecessary dots... In addition your poor punctuation is jarring and the shortness of the various chapters you have thus far submitted make the whole exercise somewhat of a trial.
I suggest that you look again at your submissions - and look again at the site's submission guidelines - and decide whether they are presented as the BEST you can do. Re-editing and resubmitting as one or two longer pieces would possibly be a better option. There are other areas you can also improve upon with a little care and attention to detail.
You story is well told - but your clumsiness with punctuation spoils your work. Take more time and care to CHECK your work before submitting it. I would also advise that you read again our submission guidelines as there are several instances in your story where they have not been followed... You are talented young writer: if you take more care and pay more attention to what you are doing you will be a very good writer one day.
The problem with this style of writing is that it has very limited 'audience appeal'. There is nothing wrong writing for a niche market, of course, but why limit yourself when you have talent that deserves to be seen by the many rather than the few? Maybe something to think about for future submissions...
Whatever message you were trying to get across in this poem completely passed me by. It feels hectoring and 'preachy' and incomplete; rather like you had a partially-formed idea but ran out of steam half-way through.
Your poetry is somewhat esoteric in style and content. That's fine, to an extent, but if you want your talent to be appreciated your work needs to be accessible to a wider audience. I cannot comment on whether your work is good, bad or indifferent. All I CAN do is comment on MY reaction to and feelings about what I have read.