United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Okay, it's clear that you have a good vocabulary. What is not so clear is the way you have chosen to exercise it in this confusing puzzle of a poem. The line "To regurgitate hidden lusts of beauty" makes no sense whatsoever! I am all for experimental works, but when it reads like nonsense I have to question the 'why' of it's composition?
I like the upbeat and positive message your short poem offers. Nice work :-)
Sincere words from the heart, I'm sure. A little too 'saccharine-sweet' for my taste, though...
A simple message well presented. Good for you :-)
As a stand-alone poem this works very well. Regrettably I don't know the work 'Pledge' so cannot relate your poem to it. Chances are that I am not the only person who reads your poem who will have the same problem. It is one of the drawbacks when tying-in your work with something that YOU are familiar with. However, in saying all that, the poem has power and impact, which is to your credit.
It always a difficult ask to comment on someone else's religion-themed work. Leaving the theme aside, though, and concentrating on the form of your work is much easier! You have a slightly (if you'll excuse the unintentional pun) 'preachy' way of writing that is slightly off-putting. Whilst I appreciate your good intentions with you poem it left me irritated rather than pleased. I fear that other may also feel the same way, especially non-believers.
I like the idea and concept behind this work. Clearly this is something you put a great deal of thought into. Lovely!
This is a very sweet and very mature poem. Only one minor issue: the word 'farther' should be 'further'. Other than that, superb! :-)