Andy (Formerly Apemann)

There are some punctuation errors in this piece but it is generally okay. Please take time to check your work thoroughly before submitting.

MUCH better! However, there are still one or two silly punctuation errors. PLEASE use your computer's spell checker! A great improvement. Well done :-)

This is an interesting poem, but please take care with your wording. This sentence - "Cause she comes from such afar" - is grammatically incorrect and the word 'such' is unnecessary. Overall a good job :-)

Take a little more care with your punctuation. A nice poem.

This was good... until the punctuation error on the third-last line marred it... ('im' for I'm)

The main fault with your story is in its presentation. I would have suggested something like this:

It was (on) a Wednesday that my older brother committed suicide or, as my parents would call it, (committed) the ultimate act of betrayal.

I suppose it was in a way; it was a very selfish act. He had only created more sadness in an already disastrous situation. He'd been bullied since sixth grade when he came out of the closet. I never thought of him differently. He was the same person to me. However not everyone else felt the same.

My parents had sent him to counselling, as if (he was suffering from) were some sort of disease. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe he thought his own parents didn't accept him, but I did.

I accepted him, so why wasn't I enough?

This is my fault. I should've tried harder to keep him happy, but it's too late now.

I stare out of the window at the storm. He always liked it when it rained. He may be gone, but he's still my brother. I walk out of his room and shut the door, taking the memories with me.

Interesting philosophical thoughts from one so young. An engaging little piece. Well done and do keep writing :-)