Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Interesting philosophical thoughts from one so young. An engaging little piece. Well done and do keep writing :-)

A nice poem spoiled by your poor punctuation. Please take more care: you have some talent as a writer which is being undermined by the sloppiness of your presentation.

There is a good story here fighting to get out. Unfortunately you have burdened it with some clumsy phraseology, poor grammar and spelling. This is a story that needed some judicious editing before it was submitted for publication. Do keep writing, but take more care with the words you use and the way in which you use them. You have talent, but it needs careful honing to bring it to its full potential.

The main fault with your story is in its presentation. I would have suggested something like this:

It was (on) a Wednesday that my older brother committed suicide or, as my parents would call it, (committed) the ultimate act of betrayal.

I suppose it was in a way; it was a very selfish act. He had only created more sadness in an already disastrous situation. He'd been bullied since sixth grade when he came out of the closet. I never thought of him differently. He was the same person to me. However not everyone else felt the same.

My parents had sent him to counselling, as if (he was suffering from) were some sort of disease. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe he thought his own parents didn't accept him, but I did.

I accepted him, so why wasn't I enough?

This is my fault. I should've tried harder to keep him happy, but it's too late now.

I stare out of the window at the storm. He always liked it when it rained. He may be gone, but he's still my brother. I walk out of his room and shut the door, taking the memories with me.

Your last confusing, incoherent paragraph completely undermines everything you had written before it! Up to that point it was an interesting and engaging story. Perhaps an edit would be a good idea? If you do, please take care with your spelling and punctuation as there are several errors.

Your lack of spell-checking spoils this interesting and creative piece of work. Remember: if YOU don't respect your own work how can you expect other's to? Overall a good piece but please take more care with future submissions...

The clear problem with your story is the solid block of text. It would have been helpful if you'd broken it into smaller, more 'manageable' paragraphs. Also, take the time to use your computer's spell-check facility as it will pick up mistakes before you submit your work.

Overall, not a bad piece of work. :-)

Take a little more care with your punctuation and spelling as it mars your story.
One point of note: it is not good practice to use numerals in prose. One should always spell the number in full i.e. 'two-thirty' for 2.30.