Andy (Formerly Apemann)

There is the basis here of a good story. However, clumsiness and failure to check your work before submitting it for publication is in danger of undermining your efforts.

I would advise that you re-read the site's Submission Guidelines. Your work, as presented, breaches a number of them. They are meant to HELP you produce the best work you are capable of. Ignoring them - or not bothering to red them at all - is really not a good idea...

There are some punctuation errors in this piece but it is generally okay. Please take time to check your work thoroughly before submitting.

Although this is a somewhat different take on the theme it IS yet another story about suicide/young death. The whole thing is becoming tedious, to be frank.

That being said, your personal story-telling skills elevate this one above most of the others. However, I do wish you would turn your talents to writing something more positive and upbeat rather than concentrate on this dreary, boring and overdone subject. You are MUCH better than this!

This is one of those apparently simple ideas that turn out to be a tad more complicated to write than it first appeared. I liked the idea behind the story, but the execution was not perhaps as good as it might have been. Still, on the whole, not the worst thing you have ever submitted, so that a plus :-)

Apart from the one exaggerated use of 'poetic licence' (On webs spiders spinned/And says a little prayer/Where the grass has thinned) this is a sweet, dreamy little poem that raises a fond smile. Be careful with poetic licence: you can only get away with it once or twice :-)

Take care with your spelling and punctuation. It spoils your work.

Whilst this is an interesting story, there are faults with it. had you used your computer's spell-check and thesaurus facility many of the small errors would have been highlighted for you to correct.

This is an improvement over part one, but you are still making silly mistakes: if you are going to use 'Lace' as an abbreviated form of her name 'Lacey' then the first letter should be capitalised - Lace. Also, you chop and change your mind when you write times in your narrative; at one point you write it in digits and the next reference is written in full. You need to be consistent (written in full is the correct way of doing so) with your writing...

One other small point: you wrote 'suite' instead of 'suit', which changes the whole meaning of the sentence :-)

This is definitely heading in the right direction. Take a few extra minutes to check your work thoroughly before submitting. It will be worth it. Keep up the good work!