Andy (Formerly Apemann)

As this is supposed to be a stories site I have no idea what this is doing here... However, it IS here and open to review.

You DO write very well, which beggars the question: why this uninspiring nothingness when you could so easily turn your skills to something more productive and - to be perfectly frank - more interesting to read? I appreciate that you are trying to spread joy and happiness but as I said at the outset, this is a stories site. This sort of stuff doesn't really have a place here...

Please, I would very much like to read something from you that has come from your imagination, not your heart.. :-)

Another interesting submission - but take care. It is not good practice to use numerals in prose: numbers should be written in full. Similarly, abbreviations are also not acceptable. Thus, '32' should be written 'thirty-two'. Your computer's spell-check and thesaurus facility will help you to avoid these minor issues in future works.

The style of this piece puts me in mind of a old-fashioned ballad or love poem. For one so young to be writing in this style is surprising as it takes a great deal of skill to pull it off effectively.

You have done a fair job, but it is far from perfect. However, for someone who is not a native English speaker, it is a remarkable achievement nonetheless. Well done!

There are some large gaps in your story that need 'filling':

The slightly 'jokey' opening to your threatening letter is inappropriate if you are tying to build tension. It just doesn't work! You cannot do both and expect your readers to follow you into whatever dark place you want to take them.

Secondly, Taz's almost-immediate acceptance of the letter is hard to swallow. Where is her shock? Her distress? Her anger? Her disbelief? At what point does she dismiss the letter as a sick joke, as some sort of wind-up, for instance?

In order for your narrative to be interesting it needs to be believable. The best way to achieve that is to imagine YOURSELF in the situation you are describing: how would YOU react to that letter if you were Taz? Would you scream, cry, tear the letter into tiny pieces? Would you throw-up, smash something, tear around the house screaming your head-off, call your parents/the police/your best friend? Any one of these scenarios is far more likely than what you have described.

I cannot imagine a Dustin happily being told to pack and come to someone house without some sort of justification. I can, though, imagine Dustin responding to a tearful phone-call and being shown the letter THEN going home to pack etc...

Expediency in writing is a tool that needs careful handling to make it effective. Jumping from one scene to another without some sort of logical progression is a dangerous game to play as it leaves huge holes in your plot. This is what has happened here.

As a first draft of your story, this is okay. You now need to revisit it to see where you can make changes and improvements to streamline it and make it flow more logically and more smoothly. You have the skills to do so. You now need to learn the patience...

Second Review:

This is MUCH better! It flows better, makes far more sense and has that missing sense of tension I was looking for. There is also a logical progression from one scene to the next. Well done and congratulations for having the maturity and confidence to take on-board my feedback and advice. :-)

An interesting submission - but take care with your work. It is spoiled a little by your lack of attention to detail. Use your computer's spell-check and thesaurus to avoid unnecessary grammar, spelling and punctuation errors. DO keep writing, though!

This story is not without faults, but overall it works well.

The use of numerals in prose is really not very good practice. It is preferable to spell out numbers (seven years old, the nineteen-sixties, for example) than to use digits.

There are large gaps in your story: you basically gloss over a SEVEN YEAR OLD girl finding a mangled human body - which would have been a terrifying and traumatic experience for anyone, let alone a young child - and move on to having the resort reopened with the girl as an adult. This cannot and does not work!

There is little point in introducing an event in a story if it serves no purpose. You HAVE to have a reason for doing so other than for 'filler', which I suspect this example is. That's fine... if you can get away with it, but to drop in a massive bombshell like the one you have and then totally ignore it is clumsiness unbounded. You need to either remove the reference or explain it. As it stands it mars the story badly.

You need to separate your dialogue from the paragraph., thus:


It wasn’t long before he spotted Kyle on the couch. Before he could comment or get any closer I blurted out nervously.
“Something bad happened.”
It was like I had confirmed his suspicions. Without a word he lifted the blanket.
“Fuck Jane, I’m so sorry.” He did not react as I expected him to. Instead he hugged me hard.
“I’ll explain everything, but first we need to dispose of his body.”
He went back to his house and brought back what I assumed was a body bag. Tom placed Kyle’s body in the large bag and zipped it up.
"I’m going to take care of this.” He lifted the body bag. “Go clean yourself up and get some sleep. I’ll check-up on you when I get back.”

It's much easier to read and easier to follow when you write as above. Take care with punctuation, too (see my edits in the above sample).

As I have said previously, there are good points to your writing, but bad practices are letting you down. A lot more care and attention to detail will help, as will having a clear idea of where you want to take your story. If it doesn't really fit in the story DON'T WRITE IT is a good rule-of-thumb...

Although your story breaks the 'rules' of writing, understanding what you were trying to achieve with this work makes it permissible to break those rules in this instance. Well done!