Andy (Formerly Apemann)

A simple message well presented. Good for you :-)

A little confused - and confusing - as you seem to be trying to incorporate too many ideas and themes into one poem. I get the gist of the poem, but the result is unsatisfying.

On the plus side; there is a spark of a storyteller in you that, with care and nurturing, could become a good one :-)

Sincere words from the heart, I'm sure. A little too 'saccharine-sweet' for my taste, though...

I like the upbeat and positive message your short poem offers. Nice work :-)

Trying to cram such a large subject into so few words leaves glaring gaps in your narrative. What we are left with is a hors d'oeuvre instead of a banquet.

Allowing for the fact that English is not your first language, some of the phraseology is stilted and clumsy. Try to write in a more natural voice rather than one that does not sit well with you. You will find it much easier - and you'll ,learn a lot more, too :-)

Do keep writing.

What should have been a pleasure to read was spoiled because the story is riddled with spelling and grammatical mistakes.

Take time to CHECK your work before submitting it. Your computer has spell-check and thesaurus facilities: use them!

On the plus side, there is a budding story-teller in you. Iron-out the clumsiness - and laziness! - and you will become a fine writer.

Yet ANOTHER tiresome and boring story on the subject of teen suicide. This topic has been (if you'll excuse the pun!) done to death already. Sure, it's a slightly different slant on the genre, but it's still a teen suicide story.

You can write, no doubt about that. PLEASE try something that hasn't already been done a thousand times before next time?

An interesting story... but I never got to the end due to my issues with your poor punctuation. take this paragraph for example:

"Lisa felt uneasy as she drove to the house, she’d heard stories about poor old people dying in their house alone, no one checking on them for weeks. Her uneasiness rose as she approached the little house, the lawn was overgrown and the letterbox was overflowing with junk mail. She walked up to the door and knocked, there was no answer and she could sense a stillness within. She knocked again and then made her way around the side of the house, she noticed the neighbours curtains flicker as she approached the open window."

This is MY punctuated version:

"Lisa felt uneasy as she drove to the house. She had heard stories about poor old people dying in their house alone, no one checking on them for weeks. Her uneasiness rose as she approached the little house. The lawn was overgrown and the letterbox was overflowing with junk mail. She walked up to the door and knocked. There was no answer and she could sense a stillness within. She knocked again (but after getting no answer) made her way around the side of the house. She noticed the neighbour's curtains flicker as she approached the open window."

Can you feel how more smoothly the sentences flow? Don't be afraid to use full-stops. If you have ever read any of Lee Child's books you will know immediately how effective they can be :-)

Also, be sparing in your use of contractions in your work. They stand out glaringly when over-used (check out the first few sentences in the third paragraph of your story...) They serve a useful purpose, but should not be used as a matter of course, as it seems you do in your writing.

You are a good story-teller and a good writer, but you have developed some bad habits that will stay with you (and mar your work) unless they are pointed out to you. I hope this helps!

Keep writing :-)