Andy (Formerly Apemann)

This is a good-ish poem. My issue with it is that the overuse of the "If I had known" line somewhat detracts from the overall poem. I think you could have said as much - and as effectively - if you'd presented your poem in two or three stanzas with the hook line at the beginning of each stanza.

I look forward to reading more from you :-)

Okay, I WANT to like your work. My problem is that I get a feeling of 'incompleteness' from some of your stuff, which frustrates me. This offering is a case in point. It doesn't really say anything (to me, anyway) nor does it go anywhere meaningful.

I would like to see more depth to your writing; more purpose, if you will. At the moment I feel that there is a poet trying to burst out, but has not quite found the right path just yet. Keep plugging-away at it, though :-))

Another of your stories slightly spoiled because you do not take the time to CHECK it before submission. It is a really bad habit...

As for the story itself; there is an element of repetitiveness about it that is slightly off-putting when reading through it. I understand that you are trying to convey a sense of indecision and emotional turmoil in the piece, but (for me) it doesn't quite hang together successfully. Not that it's a bad piece of work, just not as good as it could have been in my opinion.

I really nice idea for a story. As others have commented, take more care with your spelling and grammar: "I seen his smile forming..." for instance. USE your computer's spell-check and thesaurus facilities. that's what they are there for.

Nice work overall, though. Well done :-)

I found the semi-religious undertone to this story somewhat off-putting, especially the 'preachy' last three paragraphs. They were annoying and unnecessary.

Overall, though, a nicely thought-through story told quite well. A creditable effort!

It might have helped the story a little if you'd mentioned how the infection began; whether it was an outbreak of a disease or something along those lines. The idea is actually quite good: it needs a little more 'polish' to make it into a very good story.

Nice effort, though. Well done :-)

Some of the word choices in your story ("CHASMS in your face" - "FONDLING your coarse hair" - "With FLOCKING tears " - "Approaching QUAKE of footsteps") jarred with me. What should have been a memorably poignant piece of writing was spoilt by clumsy and inappropriate word use. Sometime the simplest phrasing is the most meaningful instead of 'overdramatising' with unnecessary descriptions.

Overall though, I liked the piece. A sensitive subject well handled.

The use of numerals in your story really jars when reading it. It's bad practice...

The story was quite engaging, if a tad 'log-winded' in places: the decision to walk home; entering the woods, for instance. I guess you were trying to build suspense but for me, it doesn't really work.

The 'scary' part of the story is told so quickly and with so little reaction from two very young kids (no screams of fear; no panic, for instance?) undermines the whole story and makes it ultimately unbelievable.

What is evident from your writing is the emergence of a budding storyteller :-) Keep writing, keep practicing and take on board the advice offered and I think you'll tell us all some amazing tales in time