Andy (Formerly Apemann)

From the very first word - Abbey - I was disappointed. Your spelling is inaccurate: the usual abbreviation of the name Abigail (which I'm assuming is what was intended) is either Abby or Abbi. Your spelling refers to a religious building!

In the first three sentences you use the word 'job' three times. This is clumsy writing and poorly thought through. It jars badly when reading the paragraph.

That discordant theme runs right through your story: it's all a little 'clunky' and not very well explained or set out. It feels like you had an idea (and, I hasten to add, not an original one, either!) but didn't really know how to put it to paper. The result is an unsatisfying 'taster' that doesn't fulfil its promise.

There IS the germ of a good story here, but it needs a lot of work and thought to bring it to full fruition.

Short, sharp... but ultimately disappointing.

This has potential to be something good, but the few words you have submitted do not really DO anything or take the reader on whatever journey you perceived.

I kind=of see your intention, but (for me) it has not really worked.

Another tiresome 'teen death' story that has been told a thousand times before on this site alone. Okay, this one is slightly above the average, but it doesn't detract from that fact that it is another entry in an over-subscribed genre.

What is so frustrating is that you are better than this. Your talents could - and should - be turned towards writing more interesting and entertaining stories than this sort of thing. Allow your mind to expand and believe in yourself and you will be a very good writer. This nonsense brings you no credit and does not do your talents justice.

Again, your choice to ignore another of the submission guidelines (that of using slang and colloquialisms) in your work rankles. You are better than some of the work you submit. Using cheap 'kop-outs' (such as 'kiester') demeans you and your work.

You say feel you are "getting the hang of poetry"? One golden rule to observe when writing rhymes, especially, is if you've got to FORCE the rhyme then it's not worth the bother. The rhymes should feel natural and smooth.

This is not your finest hour as you've produced much better work than this poem. However, as a learning experience, it's all valuable knowledge.

I'm with Lemonslice here. I've mentioned before the 'incomplete' feeling of your works and this is yet another example. It's become tiresome as there is absolutely no need for it.

Yes, there is a limit to the NUMBER of items you can post at any one time. However, there is no limit on the LENGTH of what you post... Instead of posting piecemeal items, why not wait until you have a substantial chunk of a story to tell instead, rather like my 'Going Away' series? Each chapter is around 2000 words long, instead of the wasteful couple of hundred words you keep posting. Give yourself the opportunity to produce the best work you can.

You continually let yourself down and it's annoying because you are better than the stuff you post. PLEASE take more time and more care in what you submit. Other's will praise you to the hilt because that's what they choose to do. Realists will tell you the truth and give you advice, because that's more honest and helpful.

The constant repetitive lines and the awkward and clumsy rhymes really spoil this effort. Also, the way you have presented it - in paragraphs instead of more traditional stanzas - jars the eye.

As you said, at least you tried...

I hope you will - individually - submit further works. It will be interesting to read more from you :-)

Oh dear. I do wish you had taken the time to CHECK THIS THROUGH before submitting it. It's littered with grammar and spelling errors, which totally undermines it. There is the germ of a half-decent story idea here, but your clumsiness and - sorry to say - laziness has ruined it.

Not quite sure what to make of either of these vignettes. Both if them could do with expanding in to proper, 100-word micro fiction tales. Alternately they would benefit from further work. As they stand, they are largely pointless I'm afraid... :-(