Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I applaud the fact that you made the effort to attempt something. So many don't even try, so well done for that.

Your poem is not without flaws, the principle one being the somewhat 'forced' couplets. As a general rule of thumb if you have to force the rhyme then the better course of action would be to not use it at all. Also, there appear to be elements of free verse as well as the more structured rhyming couplets, which just does not work. It is far better to stick to one format or the other to avoid confusion. What you have ended-up with is something that has not really worked very well.

Do not be discouraged! You are on a learning curve; to tell you that you are brilliant and wonderful at this juncture would be to do you a grave disservice. You have much to learn. The best ways to do so are to (a) Read more poetry (you can not read too much!) and to KEEP WRITING. Practice makes perfect: the more you write the better at it you'll become. Good luck :-)

What a pity you spoiled an otherwise engaging story with this out-of-place line:

"Vaishnav! You good for nothing twat! I'm trying to teach an important derivation here!"

Surely your vocabulary could have come up with something less jarring and offensive than the word 'twat'? It's not the word I object to, more its use in this piece. You write so well - almost poetically at times - yet throw in this crudity without rhyme or reason. It does nothing for the story and certainly does not reflect well on you as a writer.

Regrettably it is this I will remember most about your story rather than the more important (and interesting) point you were trying to make.

Your poem title conflicts with the actual poem: how can you describe something "indescribable"?

Again, as mentioned before, some of your rhymes are forced: "And his cute little chin/Which is smaller than the head of the pin" is simply ridiculous and negates the whole poem. There are other lines, too, that are equally as dubious...

I admire the fact you try. If you take on board the advice you are given your writing will certainly improve. Keep practicing! :-)

Again, your choice to ignore another of the submission guidelines (that of using slang and colloquialisms) in your work rankles. You are better than some of the work you submit. Using cheap 'kop-outs' (such as 'kiester') demeans you and your work.

You say feel you are "getting the hang of poetry"? One golden rule to observe when writing rhymes, especially, is if you've got to FORCE the rhyme then it's not worth the bother. The rhymes should feel natural and smooth.

This is not your finest hour as you've produced much better work than this poem. However, as a learning experience, it's all valuable knowledge.

Another piece that was unnecessary to read due to the lengthy 'brief' description of the piece you gave!

'Brief' means in a few words, not a full detailed description of what is to follow. Please try to remember that with future submissions.

As mentioned to you in private, the sheer length of this piece is daunting and will most certainly put-off a lot of people.

There are other issues, too: some of the language is flowery in the extreme, to the point of being almost unintelligible. I understand what you were trying to do, but you need to bear in mind that not everyone will 'go with you' on your literary journey.

The over-use of italics, too, is annoying - and goes against the site's Submission Guidelines. It's annoying and, to my mind, somewhat pretentious. Have you ever read a book where about two-thirds of the text was written in an entirely different font to the rest of the story?

You ARE a good writer, but this effort in its present form is not your finest hour.

Before continuing with your story you really need to iron-out the errors in this part first.

It is peppered with grammar and punctuation mistakes, which is inexcusable. Your computer has a spell-check and thesaurus facility. If you used them your story would not be presented so poorly.

I have to ask myself 'if this person isn't bothered about presenting the best story he/she can, why should I bother to read it?' That is a thought worth bearing in mind...

From the very first word - Abbey - I was disappointed. Your spelling is inaccurate: the usual abbreviation of the name Abigail (which I'm assuming is what was intended) is either Abby or Abbi. Your spelling refers to a religious building!

In the first three sentences you use the word 'job' three times. This is clumsy writing and poorly thought through. It jars badly when reading the paragraph.

That discordant theme runs right through your story: it's all a little 'clunky' and not very well explained or set out. It feels like you had an idea (and, I hasten to add, not an original one, either!) but didn't really know how to put it to paper. The result is an unsatisfying 'taster' that doesn't fulfil its promise.

There IS the germ of a good story here, but it needs a lot of work and thought to bring it to full fruition.