Andy (Formerly Apemann)

A fun read :-) Well done!

Well written! You have conveyed your fears clearly and with passion. A very mature submission. Very well done.

I loved the concept behind this clever story, Rebs. I think the execution is a little 'clunky' in places as the flow of the story 'hiccups'. In saying that, though, I was hooked into the story right to the end, so that's to your credit.

A judicious edit and a little polishing would make this good story into a fabulous one :-)

Although the subject matter isn't something that I (a) have any experience of and (b) have no interest in I felt compelled to read your story to the end. I quite liked you 'conversational' writing style, which I found quite engaging.

I would caution, though, against using slang terms (see the Submission Guidelines) as they left me baffled. Also, the use of numerals in prose is bad practice (again, refer to the Submission Guidelines) and should be avoided. Overall, I enjoyed your writing and look forward to reading more from you.

Your mixture of classic-like phraseology and contemporary modes of speech makes this piece, at times, awkward to read. It feels almost 'jokey' in places, which I'm sure was not what you intended. You do write well, but the inconsistency in your writing 'voice' undermines what you produce.

This IS a good story.

Nice work. I hope you'll submit more of your work.

I almost gave up on this one at the start due to the (wholly unnecessary) repetition of the words 'The List' in bold letters. Once or twice would have made the point far more effectively than the Five times you used it...

However, I rad on and found myself amused. As a committed dog-lover I was easily able to imagine the scenario you draw, having also been confounded by tin cans that would not easily open!

A good, comic piece that would benefit from one or two minor tweaks to make it wonderful. Good work!

Nice writing. The story has a good flow to it after a slightly unsteady start. Hopefully we'll get to read more about these young characters :-)