There are big plusses in your story and some small negatives (in my opinion), but overall an interesting and engaging story. Personally I found the clichéd, nineteen-thirties/forties style of speech a bit old-fashioned and unoriginal.
Overall, a creditable effort and I'll certainly be looking out for more of your work :-)
Yet again another 'incomplete' piece of work from you.
It appears to me that you have an idea and put it down on paper 'as formed' instead of exploring it more fully and expanding upon it. Part of the skill of being a writer is to take a basic idea and to fill it out into a more meaningful story. This piece reads more like an outline or précis for a longer work, which as a reader, is frustrating.
Don't be swayed by all of the positive comments as they will mislead you. The negative and advisory comments serve a purpose, too. You have a certain story-telling talent that needs guidance and honing to turn into a skill. Other, more experienced, writers will help you willingly - if you are prepared to take their advice on board...
PLEASE take more care with your spelling. You have left spaces in certain words where a hyphen should be. Other than that, although short and slightly peculiar, this is a reasonable little effort. :-) Well done!
A couple of grammatical and spelling errors from the start was a off-putting when reading this piece ("she inquired" instead of "she Enquired"; 'definitly' instead of 'definitely') and again shows your slap-dash approach to your own work. Your computer has thesaurus and spell-check facilities. It would pay you to use them before submitting future works...
As for your story; an interesting little piece, if somewhat confused. You describe the girls eyes at one point as "cold begging" eyes. Why? What does it mean and to what purpose are those words used? Surely if the girl is begging the guy to stay they would be warm, inviting eyes?
I sometimes get the impression you use words and phrases for effect rather than for the purpose of telling the story; almost as though you are trying to impress with your vocabulary. It is something that many young writers are guilty of (and many not-so-young, too!) and more of than not had the reverse effect. Write what you really mean, not what you THINK you should.
I think you are still trying to find your 'voice' as a writer. It takes time and practice to achieve. Taking the help and advice given to you will help you on your way. You have the potential to be a very good writer... IF you shed the bad habits you have already developed.
I find your work far too graphic and somewhat self-indulgent in its depictions of violence and bloodshed. It's actually rather annoying as you are a better story-teller than the stuff you submit. By that I mean that you tell good stories but (for me) overdo things by going for overkill rather than subtlety in your narrative and descriptions. You have the skills and talent to achieve much the same effect without the OTT descriptive passages. Honestly, they do not do you justice...
I would like to see you submit something that is less bloody and more interesting - and entertaining - to read. Blood, gore and the like have a limited shelf-life.
To be honest my first impression after reading this poem is that it is 'self-pitying': someone begging forgiveness for committing suicide. It left me feeling a little put-out by it as it just doesn't feel right.
It's not a bad poem, just the subject matter that doesn't work for me.
I loved the idea behind this story, but it is a tad confusing in places. It would have helped immensely if you had separated the dialogue in to separate lines to make identifying who was speaking easier.
Calling your lead character 'big brother', whilst kind-of cute, doesn't really work for me. I would have preferred he had a name.
Overall, a good story. :-)
Take a little more care with your punctuation and spelling as it mars your story.
One point of note: it is not good practice to use numerals in prose. One should always spell the number in full i.e. 'two-thirty' for 2.30.