Andy (Formerly Apemann)

This is an improvement over part one, but you are still making silly mistakes: if you are going to use 'Lace' as an abbreviated form of her name 'Lacey' then the first letter should be capitalised - Lace. Also, you chop and change your mind when you write times in your narrative; at one point you write it in digits and the next reference is written in full. You need to be consistent (written in full is the correct way of doing so) with your writing...

One other small point: you wrote 'suite' instead of 'suit', which changes the whole meaning of the sentence :-)

This is definitely heading in the right direction. Take a few extra minutes to check your work thoroughly before submitting. It will be worth it. Keep up the good work!

As this is supposed to be a stories site I have no idea what this is doing here... However, it IS here and open to review.

You DO write very well, which beggars the question: why this uninspiring nothingness when you could so easily turn your skills to something more productive and - to be perfectly frank - more interesting to read? I appreciate that you are trying to spread joy and happiness but as I said at the outset, this is a stories site. This sort of stuff doesn't really have a place here...

Please, I would very much like to read something from you that has come from your imagination, not your heart.. :-)

There are many good things about your story, but it needs some judicious editing to make it more reader-friendly. In its present form it is hard work and filled with a lot of 'waffle' and filler-type information that does little or nothing to enhance or progress the story.

Be careful, also, of over-long paragraphs. Nothing is more disconcerting to your reader than a solid, unbroken block of text to plow through :-) Try and break-up your paragraphs into shorter, 'bite-size' blocks for easier consumption.

Overall a fair effort, but needs work.

As presented this story is 'okay'. However, with some work and a lot more detail in places it could be a very good story. Some of the 'action sequences' are too brief and skirted-over rather than explained, for example.

You have a good imagination, which is the one thing that comes across clearly in your story. More practice will improve your writing skills, as will reading works by similar authors. Good stuff! :-)

This feels incomplete. There is something here, for sure, but in its present form whatever 'it' is isn't there yet. You have aimed for an air of mystery but have ended-up with something that is neither mysterious or satisfying. If anything, it's frustrating :-)

Not your best effort; however the language, imagery and wording is very good. I wonder if this might perhaps have worked better as a poem..?

Not too bad, although I would have liked a bit more to-and-fro dialogue between to the two characters. The very long 'speech' in the third paragraph sounds a little evangelical; 'preachy', even. If it had been broken-up with a couple of interjections from the other person it would have smoothed the edges a little without diluting your message (which is well put!)

A good effort. Well done! :-)

Unfortunately TWO issues put me off reading the full story: the use of digits in the piece which is discouraged (as per the site's Submission Guidelines, which you appear to have not read...)

Secondly, the unnecessary repeated use of the professors' qualifications in brackets was also extremely annoying. This is a piece that has tried to be a little too clever for its own good - and has fallen rather flat I'm afraid.

With some judicious editing and reworking this could be a much better story than it is at present. You have some talent that much is clear. Do, though, be a little more careful with your work as you do yourself no favours with silly errors :-)

An unusual allegorical tale that has (to my mind) one major issue: very early in the story you describe Sarah as a 'little girl'. However she uses words and phrases more suited to a more adult/mature person. The two just do not jibe... Unfortunately this conflict spoilt the story for me as I could not get past the fact that it was supposed to be a little girl's speech I was reading.

Overall, though, it's a good story and well told. I would suggest that you revisit this piece and amend it to remove the age confusion issue. It would be to the story's benefit :-)