United Kingdom • 65 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Your writing style makes reading parts of your story awkward and uncomfortable. The mixture of straightforward English and the more 'flowery' descriptions clash unpleasantly in places, which does not make for an entertaining read.
I was also somewhat puzzled by the rather confusing opening to your story, with the choppy incomplete thoughts and ideas. Okay, you got to your point eventually, but in such a roundabout way that it left me puzzled as to why you chose that way of doing it? Why not just tell the story 'straight'?
This is a good story (I would perhaps have submitted it in two parts, though) with some good parts and some rather out-of-place language and descriptions. I look forward to reading more from you :-)
There is a great deal of emotion and passion in your poem. You have expressed them well. Some of the lines are perhaps a little convoluted and 'forced', but the whole is better then some of its parts :-) I hope to read more from you soon!
Very good. This hits home - hard! Poignant and well-written (take care with your punctuation though!). I liked this a lot.
This was surprisingly dark and deep. An excellent effort from a very active imagination. I look forward to reading more of your work :-)
Another interesting submission - but take care. It is not good practice to use numerals in prose: numbers should be written in full. Similarly, abbreviations are also not acceptable. Thus, '75 mph' should be written 'seventy-five miles per hour'. Your computer's spell-check and thesaurus facility will help you to avoid these minor issues in future works.
A wonderfully mature and perceptive poem from one so young. Fabulous!