United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
This is developing into an interesting story. Unfortunately the errors in the piece detract from its overall effectiveness. Please take more care with your punctuation. It is spoiling otherwise good work as it interrupts the 'flow' of the narrative.
This is actually rather intriguing. I hope it is the beginning of a series of pieces or the start of a longer story... The reason I say that is that you have successfully negotiated the trickiest of hurdles when writing a story: grabbing the readers' attention and HOLDING IT. Well done!
I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Fabulous! (later edit 11/05/16)) Having re-read this I 'saw' more than the first time. Although not my 'cup of tea' I appreciate your skill in writing in this genre. You have a fabulous imagination, which comes across vividly in your story.
Beautiful, mature and heartfelt. Excellent work!
Dark, pointed and utterly superb. I wonder if you had in mind the same person I once wrote a poem about..? If so, it would appear she has not changed one iota :-)
Great work, Rebs. You should write more poetry. You are good at it :-)
This is a much better and nicer story to read than some of your other work due to the minimal use of 'fancy' language. It has a nice flow and fairly good drama, too. I'm not so sure all the stuff with her mother serves any purpose in the story: it feels unnecessary and out-of-place somehow. You could have got to where you are in the story without it...
Hopefully you have ideas to develop this story? It would be interesting to see where you take it. There is certainly plenty of scope to take it in many different directions.
One small note of caution: please keep your story description to a minimum. You tend to tell too much before folks get to read the story.
Oh, and Kat is the LAST person to be giving advice about grammar, spelling etc. Just check her comment: TWO spelling mistakes ('discription' for 'description' and 'Micheals' for 'Michael's') and a grammar error ("But one reminded" instead of 'reminder')! How's THAT for embarrassing oneself??
You are doing no worse and considerably better than some others...
You have the most wonderful imagination and the writing skills to translate it into fabulous stories that entertain both kids and adults alike (think AA Milne, CS Lewis, JK Rowling). That's a rare talent and one you should be very proud of. I suspect that you could go on to be a successful author given the right breaks and a little good fortune...
In the meantime, SS101 is lucky to have you. Glad to have you here with us :-)
Very good. This hits home - hard! Poignant and well-written (take care with your punctuation though!). I liked this a lot.