Andy (Formerly Apemann)

"The way your smile can protrude any boulder."

Up to this line your poem was quite entertaining and interesting. This line, though, kills it completely. It's meaningless and silly...

An 'unwritten rule' of writing, especially poetry, is that if you have to 'force' the line to come, it probably isn't going to work. This appears to be the case here. However, the rest of the poem works well, which saves it from being a disaster :-)

Your somewhat over-the-top and melodramatic delivery rather undermines the message you are trying to impart. Toned down a little this could be an impressive poem, but for me - as it stands - it is far too much...

This one does not work very well at all. It reads like you ran out of ideas and simply repeated it to give it length and content.

There are good things about it: some of the lines are beautifully composed. However, in the form in which it is presented it lacks that 'something' to make it stand out.

Before continuing with your story you really need to iron-out the errors in this part first.

It is peppered with grammar and punctuation mistakes, which is inexcusable. Your computer has a spell-check and thesaurus facility. If you used them your story would not be presented so poorly.

I have to ask myself 'if this person isn't bothered about presenting the best story he/she can, why should I bother to read it?' That is a thought worth bearing in mind...

Please re-read the sites Submission Guidelines again and edit your story accordingly. As is stands this submission falls a long way short of the guidelines...

From the very first word - Abbey - I was disappointed. Your spelling is inaccurate: the usual abbreviation of the name Abigail (which I'm assuming is what was intended) is either Abby or Abbi. Your spelling refers to a religious building!

In the first three sentences you use the word 'job' three times. This is clumsy writing and poorly thought through. It jars badly when reading the paragraph.

That discordant theme runs right through your story: it's all a little 'clunky' and not very well explained or set out. It feels like you had an idea (and, I hasten to add, not an original one, either!) but didn't really know how to put it to paper. The result is an unsatisfying 'taster' that doesn't fulfil its promise.

There IS the germ of a good story here, but it needs a lot of work and thought to bring it to full fruition.

Short, sharp... but ultimately disappointing.

This has potential to be something good, but the few words you have submitted do not really DO anything or take the reader on whatever journey you perceived.

I kind=of see your intention, but (for me) it has not really worked.

Another tiresome 'teen death' story that has been told a thousand times before on this site alone. Okay, this one is slightly above the average, but it doesn't detract from that fact that it is another entry in an over-subscribed genre.

What is so frustrating is that you are better than this. Your talents could - and should - be turned towards writing more interesting and entertaining stories than this sort of thing. Allow your mind to expand and believe in yourself and you will be a very good writer. This nonsense brings you no credit and does not do your talents justice.