Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I understand the very personal nature of this poem. Unfortunately the way you have written it is so 'jumpy' and clunky it just does not flow properly. This makes it a difficult poem to read but - and far more importantly - the message you were trying to put across is completely lost.

In it's present layout it does not really work. This is not your finest hour :- ( I would suggest that you look at it again and re-work the poem into a more reader-friendly version.

Well, haven't we been here before?

There is no STRUCTURE to you story; no PLOT, no characterisation to speak of, no sense of purpose or meaning. It reads like a draft excerpt of something else you might have been working on. What is ISN'T is a proper story, far from it. Even the title makes no sense as it appears to have no relevance to the 'story'.

I will concede that you do at least appear to have taken a little more care with your spelling. I didn't notice as many errors as in previous works, so well done for that.

If you want to be taken seriously - at least, have your work taken seriously - you need to undergo a major attitude adjustment! For a young girl your language is atrocious!! Also, the 'don't give a toss' impression you give out is not exactly endearing.

As regards your story: yes, there are some good elements to it. However the grammar and spelling errors are inexcusable given the facilities on your computer that will highlight them for you IF you bother to use them. Overall, a disappointing effort as, had YOU made the effort to work on it, the story could (and would) have been so much better.

To be honest your 'story' is not yet a story at all. There seems to be very little point to the thing. You've managed to say almost nothing in 256 words, so what was the point? There are barely enough words here to truly engage your reader. Short so-called chapters like this are a waste of time. Why not wait until you have a significant amount of work ready to submit instead of messing around like this?

I KNOW this is harsh, but it needs to be. In spite of my criticisms above you DO have a nice writing style. The problem is that you're wasting it on nonsense like this. If you are going to write a story then GIVE us a story, not this sort of fluff. You are better than this effort, I'm sure of it.

BTW: try to not give quite so much info in your intro to your work. You almost tell the whole story, which is not the idea. The key word in that section is BRIEF.

As a 'poem', this just doesn't work.

As a flash-fiction piece it would work perfectly (with a little reworking).

I applaud the fact that you made the effort to attempt something. So many don't even try, so well done for that.

Your poem is not without flaws, the principle one being the somewhat 'forced' couplets. As a general rule of thumb if you have to force the rhyme then the better course of action would be to not use it at all. Also, there appear to be elements of free verse as well as the more structured rhyming couplets, which just does not work. It is far better to stick to one format or the other to avoid confusion. What you have ended-up with is something that has not really worked very well.

Do not be discouraged! You are on a learning curve; to tell you that you are brilliant and wonderful at this juncture would be to do you a grave disservice. You have much to learn. The best ways to do so are to (a) Read more poetry (you can not read too much!) and to KEEP WRITING. Practice makes perfect: the more you write the better at it you'll become. Good luck :-)

What a pity you spoiled an otherwise engaging story with this out-of-place line:

"Vaishnav! You good for nothing twat! I'm trying to teach an important derivation here!"

Surely your vocabulary could have come up with something less jarring and offensive than the word 'twat'? It's not the word I object to, more its use in this piece. You write so well - almost poetically at times - yet throw in this crudity without rhyme or reason. It does nothing for the story and certainly does not reflect well on you as a writer.

Regrettably it is this I will remember most about your story rather than the more important (and interesting) point you were trying to make.

Your poem title conflicts with the actual poem: how can you describe something "indescribable"?

Again, as mentioned before, some of your rhymes are forced: "And his cute little chin/Which is smaller than the head of the pin" is simply ridiculous and negates the whole poem. There are other lines, too, that are equally as dubious...

I admire the fact you try. If you take on board the advice you are given your writing will certainly improve. Keep practicing! :-)