Andy (Formerly Apemann)

There are some large gaps in your story that need 'filling':

The slightly 'jokey' opening to your threatening letter is inappropriate if you are tying to build tension. It just doesn't work! You cannot do both and expect your readers to follow you into whatever dark place you want to take them.

Secondly, Taz's almost-immediate acceptance of the letter is hard to swallow. Where is her shock? Her distress? Her anger? Her disbelief? At what point does she dismiss the letter as a sick joke, as some sort of wind-up, for instance?

In order for your narrative to be interesting it needs to be believable. The best way to achieve that is to imagine YOURSELF in the situation you are describing: how would YOU react to that letter if you were Taz? Would you scream, cry, tear the letter into tiny pieces? Would you throw-up, smash something, tear around the house screaming your head-off, call your parents/the police/your best friend? Any one of these scenarios is far more likely than what you have described.

I cannot imagine a Dustin happily being told to pack and come to someone house without some sort of justification. I can, though, imagine Dustin responding to a tearful phone-call and being shown the letter THEN going home to pack etc...

Expediency in writing is a tool that needs careful handling to make it effective. Jumping from one scene to another without some sort of logical progression is a dangerous game to play as it leaves huge holes in your plot. This is what has happened here.

As a first draft of your story, this is okay. You now need to revisit it to see where you can make changes and improvements to streamline it and make it flow more logically and more smoothly. You have the skills to do so. You now need to learn the patience...

Second Review:

This is MUCH better! It flows better, makes far more sense and has that missing sense of tension I was looking for. There is also a logical progression from one scene to the next. Well done and congratulations for having the maturity and confidence to take on-board my feedback and advice. :-)

The use of numerals in prose is really not very good practice. It is preferable to spell out numbers (seven years old, the nineteen-sixties, for example) than to use digits.

There are large gaps in your story: you basically gloss over a SEVEN YEAR OLD girl finding a mangled human body - which would have been a terrifying and traumatic experience for anyone, let alone a young child - and move on to having the resort reopened with the girl as an adult. This cannot and does not work!

There is little point in introducing an event in a story if it serves no purpose. You HAVE to have a reason for doing so other than for 'filler', which I suspect this example is. That's fine... if you can get away with it, but to drop in a massive bombshell like the one you have and then totally ignore it is clumsiness unbounded. You need to either remove the reference or explain it. As it stands it mars the story badly.

You need to separate your dialogue from the paragraph., thus:


It wasn’t long before he spotted Kyle on the couch. Before he could comment or get any closer I blurted out nervously.
“Something bad happened.”
It was like I had confirmed his suspicions. Without a word he lifted the blanket.
“Fuck Jane, I’m so sorry.” He did not react as I expected him to. Instead he hugged me hard.
“I’ll explain everything, but first we need to dispose of his body.”
He went back to his house and brought back what I assumed was a body bag. Tom placed Kyle’s body in the large bag and zipped it up.
"I’m going to take care of this.” He lifted the body bag. “Go clean yourself up and get some sleep. I’ll check-up on you when I get back.”

It's much easier to read and easier to follow when you write as above. Take care with punctuation, too (see my edits in the above sample).

As I have said previously, there are good points to your writing, but bad practices are letting you down. A lot more care and attention to detail will help, as will having a clear idea of where you want to take your story. If it doesn't really fit in the story DON'T WRITE IT is a good rule-of-thumb...

There is the basis here for a good story. Unfortunately you have not really told it very well. The scenes are clichéd and the dialogue stilted. There is little natural 'flow' to the story. You move from one idea or scenario with little in the way of explanation, which gives the story a somewhat 'clunky' feel.

You have also failed to follow the submission guidelines; the use of numerals in prose is very bad practice, yet there are numerous examples in your story. Number references should always be written in full: twelve years old, three-thirty, nine-one-one, for example.

Take time to check your spelling: "she manages not to hit another care..." would not be picked-up by your spell checker.

There is much to recommend in your story; at the same time it has many flaws. You write well but need to practice your art more - and to read more to get a better feel of how a story flows.

This is getting better :-) It's not perfect, but it IS a big improvement on previous submissions.

Take care with your punctuation: Burger King should be capitalised, for instance. Also, you are using too many commas where a full-stop (or even a colon) might be more appropriate.

These are minor issues, however. The story is coming along well - although I still believe you can afford to submit longer parts...

There is a certain pleasing quality about your story-telling prowess, which is quasi-Victorian in style. Unfortunately your erratic punctuation and mind-boggling looseness with the principal character's name undermines much of what you are trying to achieve. Coupled with the rather overwhelming length of the opening couple of paragraphs of your story and your reader is left with a scary challenge to continue with your story. Personally, after the first couple of paragraphs I lost interest somewhat.

You need to introduce your main character by his FULL name from the off. It is disconcerting as a reader to initially meet "Mister Gray" and a few sentences later be confronted with "Peter Gray". This is clumsy writing and needs to be redressed.

Some of your punctuation is baffling. Inserting colons, semi-colons and commas in what appears to be random places throws-out the flow of the piece, making it much harder as a reader to really engage with the story of the characters. The somewhat 'stop-start' feel of your writing is uncomfortable to read in places. If you read your own work out loud you will gain a greater insight into how it actually reads. It's a useful technique to employ when trying to learn whether what you've written actually makes sense.

Edit you story into shorter paragraphs. Shorter 'bite-size' paragraphs are more easily digested and absorbed than long rambling ones. In addition any dialogue should preferably be written separately to the body of the paragraph.

You have talent, that much is clear. You also have some bad habits that with advice and guidance you can easily overcome. Keep writing!

This is a hard one to review. On the one hand your writing is eloquent and engaging. On the other, though, I am left questioning the actual POINT of your story?

Your story doesn't appear to have any point or purpose, which is what has left me somewhat baffled. To write something for the sake of it is a waste of time (and talent!), which is what it feels like you have done here.

I look forward to reading more from you, and hopefully understanding it, too :-)

An interesting story marred by clumsy punctuation and spelling errors, which suggest that you did not take the time to read through your work before submitting it. It would also appear that you did not thoroughly read the submission guidelines as there are presentation issues too...

Your story-telling is good, but at times a little rushed which leaves gaps in your plot and narrative. Overall, though, not a bad beginning. Take more care with future chapters and you'll produce an engaging, entertaining story.