United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
I sort-of get where you're coming from with this one, but the leap from heartbreak to 'monster' isn't really explained or clear, which is a shame. However, another good offering :-)
Whilst it seems fairly easy to write rhyming couplets there is an art to doing it in such a way as to make the lines flow naturally so that they 'trip off the tongue' when you read them. Some of your couplets are a little forced (a fault I also suffer from!) which interrupts the flow of your poem.
However, in saying that, there is enough content to provoke thought, which is no bad thing. Well done!
THIS is my kind of writing!
I love the way you get straight into the heart of the story, your characters coming to life through their words and actions. It's not over-embellished or described or padded-out with superfluous prose.
In my opinion, your story ends just where it needs to end: without a resolution or any answers. You leave those questions for your reader to figure out. THAT is good story-telling.
Without doubt, your best piece so far. Congratulations.
Allowing for the assumption that English is not your first language, there is still no excuse for ignoring the site's submission guidelines. There are many areas in your work where they have been totally ignored.
However, there is the germ of a good story here, but it need more work and more CARE taking over it if you do decide to continue with it. I would suggest that you edit this part first before you do so.
Again, your choice to ignore another of the submission guidelines (that of using slang and colloquialisms) in your work rankles. You are better than some of the work you submit. Using cheap 'kop-outs' (such as 'kiester') demeans you and your work.
You say feel you are "getting the hang of poetry"? One golden rule to observe when writing rhymes, especially, is if you've got to FORCE the rhyme then it's not worth the bother. The rhymes should feel natural and smooth.
This is not your finest hour as you've produced much better work than this poem. However, as a learning experience, it's all valuable knowledge.
Ignoring the fact that you ignored several of the site's Submission Guidelines (may I suggest that you actually read them..?) you have a nice flair for telling an engaging story. Your characters are a little shallow in places and some of the dialogue is a tad stilted, but that's okay. The overall impression was positive. Iron out the presentation errors and you'll have a great piece of work :-)
Okay, I WANT to like your work. My problem is that I get a feeling of 'incompleteness' from some of your stuff, which frustrates me. This offering is a case in point. It doesn't really say anything (to me, anyway) nor does it go anywhere meaningful.
I would like to see more depth to your writing; more purpose, if you will. At the moment I feel that there is a poet trying to burst out, but has not quite found the right path just yet. Keep plugging-away at it, though :-))
One of the Golden Rules of writing poetry is that if you have to 'force' a rhyme, then it's not going to work. there are one or two examples in this poem whereby that yardstick is clearly in evidence. Which is a pity, as the poem - overall - is quite good.
Please also remember to NOT use slang or colloquialisms in your work. YOU might know what you mean, but others may not, especially international (or non-English speaking) readers.