United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
I fear you may alienate more than you'll draw in with this piece. Religion is always a contentious subject and seemingly ramming your beliefs down the throats of your readers is not a good means by which to endear yourself. There are other, more subtle but equally effective ways of putting your message across without being so bullish about it.
As usual and, sadly, as I have now come to expect from your work, it's littered with grammatical and spelling errors. And, yet again, it's a nothing 'story'.
I just do not understand why you keep writing essentially the same thing over and over again. Not one of your stories is a story in the truest sense of the word. A REAL story has a beginning, a middle and end. Yours don't.
It seems to me you sit in front of your computer and write pretty much anything that comes into your head, whether it makes an iota of sense or not. What is blatantly clear is that you put very little thought or effort into what you submit, given that you make the same mistakes time after time. What's also clear is that you lap up all the praise and ignore the helpful advice given to you. That is to your eternal detriment. You will NEVER improve your writing if you carry on the way you are.
You have the capacity to be a good writer. Unfortunately your innate laziness will ensure that you remain strictly mediocre.
Hi. Nice to read something new from you :-)
Having read some of your more recent works I can see the improvement in your writing style. Your inexperience when you wrote this shows through with the repetition of words and phrases, especially at the beginning. On the whole, though, it's another of your engaging and action-filled adventure/fantasy stories that keeps one reading right to the end. Good stuff!
I loved the concept behind this clever story, Rebs. I think the execution is a little 'clunky' in places as the flow of the story 'hiccups'. In saying that, though, I was hooked into the story right to the end, so that's to your credit.
A judicious edit and a little polishing would make this good story into a fabulous one :-)
Although the subject matter isn't something that I (a) have any experience of and (b) have no interest in I felt compelled to read your story to the end. I quite liked you 'conversational' writing style, which I found quite engaging.
I would caution, though, against using slang terms (see the Submission Guidelines) as they left me baffled. Also, the use of numerals in prose is bad practice (again, refer to the Submission Guidelines) and should be avoided. Overall, I enjoyed your writing and look forward to reading more from you.
Some of your couplets are a little 'forced', but overall this is an interesting poem.
The use of numerals in your story really jars when reading it. It's bad practice...
The story was quite engaging, if a tad 'log-winded' in places: the decision to walk home; entering the woods, for instance. I guess you were trying to build suspense but for me, it doesn't really work.
The 'scary' part of the story is told so quickly and with so little reaction from two very young kids (no screams of fear; no panic, for instance?) undermines the whole story and makes it ultimately unbelievable.
What is evident from your writing is the emergence of a budding storyteller :-) Keep writing, keep practicing and take on board the advice offered and I think you'll tell us all some amazing tales in time
Not quite sure what to make of either of these vignettes. Both if them could do with expanding in to proper, 100-word micro fiction tales. Alternately they would benefit from further work. As they stand, they are largely pointless I'm afraid... :-(