United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
It might have helped the story a little if you'd mentioned how the infection began; whether it was an outbreak of a disease or something along those lines. The idea is actually quite good: it needs a little more 'polish' to make it into a very good story.
Nice effort, though. Well done :-)
Well, haven't we been here before?
There is no STRUCTURE to you story; no PLOT, no characterisation to speak of, no sense of purpose or meaning. It reads like a draft excerpt of something else you might have been working on. What is ISN'T is a proper story, far from it. Even the title makes no sense as it appears to have no relevance to the 'story'.
I will concede that you do at least appear to have taken a little more care with your spelling. I didn't notice as many errors as in previous works, so well done for that.
This is all rather esoteric for my taste. Of its kind, it is not a bad poem. I hope to read more from you that is perhaps grounded in real life rather than fantasy perhaps?
Sweet and touching. Lovely!
I'm not sure why you chose to present your work in such a form as it was unnecessary (and a little confusing, to be honest)
Overall the poem is good, if a little overlong and slightly repetitive in places. A like your imagination and your use of words. You clearly take a great deal of care over your work and choose your words carefully. There are some who could learn a thing or two from you :-)
Well done and keep writing. It's a pleasure to read your work.
Some of the word choices in your story ("CHASMS in your face" - "FONDLING your coarse hair" - "With FLOCKING tears " - "Approaching QUAKE of footsteps") jarred with me. What should have been a memorably poignant piece of writing was spoilt by clumsy and inappropriate word use. Sometime the simplest phrasing is the most meaningful instead of 'overdramatising' with unnecessary descriptions.
Overall though, I liked the piece. A sensitive subject well handled.
Your change of name has, regrettably, not led to a change of standard. As (what has become) usual, your story has spelling and grammar inaccuracies as well as being too short to make any sort of sense or impact.
I just do not understand why you will not take - and act on - the advice you are given. You have some really good story ideas, but you are so slapdash when you write that you spoil them completely. You do not do yourself justice by submitting such sub-standard work when it is clear you are capable of much better IF you put in the effort...
A nice, heartfelt poem somewhat spoilt by your failure to CHECK your spelling!
Take the time to use your computer's spell-check facility before submitting future work...