United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
The constant repetitive lines and the awkward and clumsy rhymes really spoil this effort. Also, the way you have presented it - in paragraphs instead of more traditional stanzas - jars the eye.
As you said, at least you tried...
I hope you will - individually - submit further works. It will be interesting to read more from you :-)
You have some nice ideas in your writing and a good imagination. This does not, though, always come across as successfully as it should do. The main problem is your use of certain words: like many young and novice writers, you pepper your work with 'big' or 'clever' words to try and make your piece sound more 'intellectual', which frequently has the opposite effect.
Write in your own voice, as you would normally speak. There is no need - or benefit to you - in writing in a style that is not naturally you. Also, take care with your spelling and grammar as this spoils your work. Do not use numerals either (see the Submission Guidelines).
There is a budding storyteller in you. Keep writing, keep practicing and take on-board the advice offered to you. I look forward to reading more from you soon :-)
I have read all of your work so far.. and it's pretty depressing!
I understand the need to express oneself through writing. It's often helpful and has proven to be therapeutic.. However, I'm not so sure that posting so much deep personal pain is really the right way to go...
Interestingly, if you turned your mind to more interesting and positive topics, you have the capacity to write very good poems (and perhaps stories as well?). You have a nice way with words and a good manner of expression. I'm sure there is a lighter and more upbeat side to you that is just bursting to be set free.
Go on, give yourself a chance! :-)
A good poem which was, for me, spoiled by the use of unnecessary expletives. The use of such words can be a powerful tool when used sparingly. Three times in five sentences is overkill...
Overall, a nice effort.
A nice effort, but take care with your spelling and grammar.
This would have also worked better as shorter paragraphs and the dialogue on separate lines. Something to bear in mind for future works... :-)
Keep up the good work!
Whilst I appreciate the somewhat surrealist and esoteric nature of your work, the use of incorrect words and bad spelling is inexcusable ('there' instead of 'their' for instance) .To 'erode' means to rub or wear away; how does that word fit in with your poem???
It's all very well being clever and arty - but you still have to do the basics right.
I really wanted to enjoy your story... but you lost my concentration with your tedious and repetitive and excruciatingly tiresome description of her work with the ball in paragraphs two and three. This is definitely a case of far too much information for information's sake. There are other examples throughout your work, which really detracts from your story, which is a real pity. You could have covered almost all of those two paragraphs in half-a-dozen sentences without detriment to your story.
May I suggest a thorough re-read of both parts and some judicious editing to make the whole more palatable and reader-friendly? It's a good piece of work that has been somewhat damaged (not ruined!) by a dose of verbosity taking over in places. It is not irredeemable :-)
Oh JOY!
At last, a contribution that actually ticks all the boxes it promises to. Thank you!
I enjoyed your slightly warped and tongue-in-cheek humour in the story and the contemporary references (which our overseas cousins may not connect with...) Above all, though, you made me SMILE, and that doesn't happen very often with most of what I read here...
I'm very much looking forward to many more of your stories. Can I nominate myself as your No. 1 fan already??? :-)