United Kingdom • 63 y/o • MaleReviews Given
There is something quite soulless about this piece. I read it through twice and found myself somewhat distanced from it; disengaged, even. I think the problem is the 'coldness' in which it is written (understandably given the subject matter) is perhaps too cold and remote. The style does not invite the reader to engage emotionally with the work.
Your writing is usually very entertaining. For me, this one did not work as well as some of your other stories.
I almost gave up on this one at the start due to the (wholly unnecessary) repetition of the words 'The List' in bold letters. Once or twice would have made the point far more effectively than the Five times you used it...
However, I rad on and found myself amused. As a committed dog-lover I was easily able to imagine the scenario you draw, having also been confounded by tin cans that would not easily open!
A good, comic piece that would benefit from one or two minor tweaks to make it wonderful. Good work!
This is a good-ish poem. My issue with it is that the overuse of the "If I had known" line somewhat detracts from the overall poem. I think you could have said as much - and as effectively - if you'd presented your poem in two or three stanzas with the hook line at the beginning of each stanza.
I look forward to reading more from you :-)
There are many good things about your story, but it needs some judicious editing to make it more reader-friendly. In its present form it is hard work and filled with a lot of 'waffle' and filler-type information that does little or nothing to enhance or progress the story.
Be careful, also, of over-long paragraphs. Nothing is more disconcerting to your reader than a solid, unbroken block of text to plow through :-) Try and break-up your paragraphs into shorter, 'bite-size' blocks for easier consumption.
Overall a fair effort, but needs work.
I understand the very personal nature of this poem. Unfortunately the way you have written it is so 'jumpy' and clunky it just does not flow properly. This makes it a difficult poem to read but - and far more importantly - the message you were trying to put across is completely lost.
In it's present layout it does not really work. This is not your finest hour :- ( I would suggest that you look at it again and re-work the poem into a more reader-friendly version.
A very creditable first effort in the micro-fiction genre.
Be wary of being 'too clever', though: why you could not have used the word 'shirt' instead of 'maillot' is beyond me... Remember, you want to engage your readers, not alienate them :-)
Overall, a good start. Well done!
If you want to be taken seriously - at least, have your work taken seriously - you need to undergo a major attitude adjustment! For a young girl your language is atrocious!! Also, the 'don't give a toss' impression you give out is not exactly endearing.
As regards your story: yes, there are some good elements to it. However the grammar and spelling errors are inexcusable given the facilities on your computer that will highlight them for you IF you bother to use them. Overall, a disappointing effort as, had YOU made the effort to work on it, the story could (and would) have been so much better.
Too big a subject crammed into too few words makes this all rather nonsensical. The idea sounded fun, but you have failed to deliver I'm afraid.
There are also numerous problems with the layout of your story. I suggest that you revisit the Submission Guidelines and take them on board...