Durandal

My only advice for you is to make a new paragraph when someone is speaking. it makes it clearer and easier to read. For example: "Hi," said bob. "Hello, bob," Joe said.
Instead, it would be:
"Hi," said bob.
"Hello, bob," Joe said.

I hope this is useful, it's always easier for me to read a story when someone does this.

This is a good story. You did good. There were a few places where it could use a comma or a semicolon, but its still a great story.

I liked that, it definitely shows what it was like.

Good job!