IanG

I like your descriptions of the characters and of the setting. If I'd written it I'd have tried to prepare for the twist without giving too much away.

I'd mention a small ball lying in a corner of the sitting room. Voss could think the old lady has a granchild who called and forgot to take the ball home. Then at the end she says "Arthur's not my husband, he's my cat. That's his ball in the corner." That prepares for the twist without making it too obvious.

The captain stealing Vosse's thunder rings true.
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This is a plausible scenario and you evoke it with vivid detail.

A lot of people will relate to this. Music can help us to release powerful emotions when nothing else does.

This is a good start for a young writer. If you want to improve it, explain why the princess is always so sad. Perhaps her father offended the same witch who turned the prince into a bear and so she's under a curse too. If not, perhaps someone she cared about died young for some reason.

No need to apologise for this piece, its a convincing evocation of someone starting a new school and there are only a limited number of basic plots. The ending should make people want to know more.
Perhaps you could've written English translations of the part that's in Indonesian, but don't let that small point put you off.

Overall a good introduction. You could've described the dogs in a little more detail: are they any particular breed? What kind of weapons does she see? Not everyone will have seen the Hunger Games, but I get the drift of your piece.

There's no shame in being afraid or worried from time to time, but we musn't let it take over our lives. I'm s grown man and I worry at times. Only idiots never worry at all, but its possible to have bad times and come out the other side.

You are right in saying that problems don't end when the war is won. A lot of fantasy stories are based on that assumption, but it seldom works like that in real life.

Eden goes from being overpowered to killing everyone rather quickly. If he's trying to fight his way to your narrator but it takes him time to reach her, that's more consistent.