United Kingdom • 60 y/oReviews Given
'Thoughts of her would keep me up through the night' reads better than 'her thoughts would...etc.'
Nevertheless its a sharp and disturbing twist in the final lines. You handled that well. You do right in bringing smell as well as sight into your descriptions. Keep writing.
I like your descriptive style and the scenario is convincing, keep it up.
Your protagonist isn't the first person to want to save or reform someone they love. Its a common theme in stories and it can happen in real life. The would be saviour doesn't always succeed but it shows a good heart if they're trying. They need to be careful not to get dragged down by whoever they want to save, but its an interesting subject for a story,
This is very good evocation of an only too plausible situation. I felt for your characters both before and after the bombshell of Dad catching the virus.
I enjoyed this story, its plausible, timely and full of vivid descriptions.
You have an interesting premise but the story needs more working on. If you broke it up into paragraphs then it would be easier to read. Then again, paragraphs can merge by mistake when you put a story online, its happened to me.
You raise some important issues regarding peer group pressure and prejudice. Keep practising and you'll improve.
You were brave to shy away from a soppy but happy ending.
Try writing 'he was proud that I'd been promoted to Principle' or something like that. Her partner already knows she's been promoted and where she works, he probably wouldn't state the obvious. In films and T.V. characters sometimes spell out what they must already know, for the viewer's benefit. In a story you don't need to, you can say that with an inner monologue or, in a first person narration, narrator addressing reader directly.