SANDMAN

The first person approach to this story is very interesting. I did not care for the story but found my self compelled to read it. The juxtaposition of the days was well managed. The pace was very good - no wasted moments. The writing and imagery and narrator's voice work well.

As to the structure of this piece - separating the paragraphs will give the piece a more professional appearance. I would suggest the author read this story out loud or have someone read it to them. This method highlights those subtle areas that need attention.

This story is not perfect but could be made so with some attention. I was drawn between three and four stars and gave it the benefit of the doubt if you will with four stars.
Ciao
JT

This is a most interesting tale. Not so much for its theme as for the excellent mind that constructed and implemented it. In spite of the sadness and mystery, I felt goodness and hope subtly interwoven at the end. The characters seemed real and authentic, and though I did not identify with them, I was interested in what happened to them.

The plausibility and pace of the tale is due in whole to the author’s impeccable ability with details which did not overburden. The readability was edging on good but I did have to pause and reread the beginning of JENNY. The title alone did not tell me what I needed to know about the text that followed.

The point of view and tense were handled with skill. The style of expression captures the character of the narrator and the tone of this piece.

Observations and descriptions flowed effortlessly creating a vivid and strong setting for this story, evoking the mood and atmosphere intended.

The overall structure of this piece is good, but the punctuation, in particular the comma, is noticeably absent which caused stumbling during the reading. I highly recommend the use of a program entitled GRAMMARLY. It is free on the Internet, with a paid version if so desired. It not only addresses absent and misplaced commas but many other things as well. An indispensable tool for any serious writer.

The importance of this well-told tale deserves five stars but I’m holding back with four stars because of the minor punctuation issues which can easily be rectified. Reading this story aloud will also bring those areas that require attention to the forefront.

Ciao, JT

Very well written.
It flowed beautifully.

Very astute

Excellent wordsmithing.

The photo with the lone bird you chose for this piece was perfect. It set the mood before I read word one.

I read the piece twice. Technically it was close to perfect. Several commas missing or misplaced — the bain of every writer. Overall this piece was a good example of a mind wandering through loss. It rambled in the right places, giving it an authentic flavor. It flowed with an even keel to the very end. It was at the end I realized there was something missing. Keep in mind this is just my opinion.

It was that moment of fist-pounding, hair-tearing, glass-breaking, gut- wrenching when the reality of the loss stepped out of the shadows of the narrator's mind and stood naked before her.

The passion of her grief as she expelled the hurt and loss in a rage of tears was missing along with those final moments when she held his bathrobe to her face and inhaled the last of his scent.

That would have been the perfect topping to a good piece of writing.

If it had been there I would have happily given this 100 stars. I hope you will consider a rewrite. This piece is good as is but could be brilliant. Ciao, JT

Painted eloquently with words of experience.

This was a teaser — I had to think about it and finally came to the conclusion that Dr. Yolanda Henshaw is actually the patient and has somehow commandeered a syringe filled with who knows what.
This piece is almost perfect: 2nd paragraph ‘gotta to’ needs to be changed to either ‘gotta know how’ or ‘got to know how.’
10th paragraph – omit the ‘I say.’ At the end of the paragraph – not necessary. The reader knows who’s speaking.
The characters are authentic and engaging — I cared what happened to them.
The story is plausible, the pace is good. The writing is fluent and readable. This author has an excellent imagination for storytelling. The narrative voice captures the characters.
The dialogue reads like authentic speech. Descriptions are effortless and create a vivid and strong setting, evoking mood and atmosphere.