United Kingdom • 46 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Interesting premise, but you're not doing much with it at the moment. I'd say it's closer to a vignette than a story at the moment. You will have to add more tension and conflict, because at the moment you just have a character's retelling of events the reader hasn't experienced themselves.
A couple of grammatical mistakes here and there, but at least something exciting is happening at the very start. The trick to writing in first person POV is to not do the "laundry list" of actions that your character is doing, i.e:
I ran. I picked up the knife. I shivered etc ...
Also, avoid using the word "literally" and similar adverbs in prose.
Keep up the writing!
I'm really impressed by the story. Well done!
A couple of dialogue punctuation errors, but otherwise a pretty funny tale. Reminiscent of Monty Python delight.
You've got a decent structure and an interesting subject matter here. What lets you down are unnecessary typos and grammar mistakes.
This is more of a vignette than story, however. I do suggest you read up on the difference, because a lot of writers receive rejection letters because they don't understand this.
Hi Fate,
I appreciate the honest emotions you've put into the story so far.
However, it's considered cliché (and it's just bad writing) to include a character waking up and go through the morning chores i.e showering. Try and go into the actual story as quickly as you can and let those boring parts be left out. You've got a good feeling for writing. Keep it up!
Lots of emotions and tension in so few words. Well done!
When a piece is this short, however, you need to make sure every word is pulling its weight. Currently, they don't, but it's definitely a good effort.
You've got some good stuff there, but I think your poor grammar and punctuation lets your story down. It also takes too long until anything significant happens.