matthewmeager

An interesting idea that was, unfortunately, poorly executed. Trying to tell such a 'big' story in so few words was always going to be a big ask. You would have been better served, perhaps, by working your story into several chapters or parts, which would have allowed you to expand on your ideas in greater detail.

Again, as with your other work. you ignore the basic rules of writing, which spoils everything you do. This could have been so much better had you taken the time to work on it properly and correcting all of the many errors that are strewn throughout the piece.

Sorry, Matthew, but this is dire. You need to adhere to common grammar and punctuation rules if you want people to take your writing seriously.

Thank you for your story. There is the basis here for a good story, but your rushed approach to your writing and the lack of attention to basic detail (punctuation, spelling, grammar) spoil your work. More care and attention will help you write a better story and also present it in a more acceptable and pleasing manner. The use of capitals is horrible.

You don't have a story here yet, Matthew. It's mainly a collection of scattered ideas, loosely strung together with poor grammar. I'd recommend you took a more sensible approach to your writing if you want to find an audience for it.

It has an impact, for sure.
But, several glaring mistakes could be found in this piece.
Kindly get a copy editor in place; every writer needs an editor, remember.

Good grammar makes a good story. Bad grammar makes a bad story and this is bad grammar. Not saying it has to be perfect, but some things just bother readers especially when it comes to punctuation, proper nouns, spelling, all that good stuff.
I like the idea, but I believe it was poorly executed.