United States • 21 y/oReviews Received
I like the idea, and it was super intriguing! Some things could be clearer, but for a first draft, It's pretty amazing. I just have so many questions about the main character that I don't have answers to yet because there isn't more of this story.
So yeah. Keep writing.
This is pretty good so far! The main thing about your story that I would fix is that you say her name very often. Personally, I have a problem of saying 'he' or 'she' too often, but you say her name a little too often. It's probably just the one spot at the top of the story ("... Pricking at Aniya's nerves, repeating every few seconds. Aniya's breath...") and it threw me off, making me see her name more prominently, but it bothered me. Sorry for the long criticism. Keep writing!
To start, I really liked this! It was, and is, a really good draft. I only have a few questions, and I hope they don't come across as overly critical.
How close is Sarah to her grandfather? If they're really close, which is the idea I got, then why did he give her the sphere? He knew there were dangerous people after it, so why did he give it to her. Similarly, I feel like Sarah should be mourning her grandfather more strongly if they were really close. The sphere should make her think of her late grandparent.
Did she see her dead grandfather?
The sphere seemed to have a personality, at least to me, and I think it could be really fun if it was a little more characterized. Seriously, I liked the sphere a lot. A little more development to the characters would be beautiful, and would make grandfather's death all the more tragic, which I would like. Maybe more time to meet the characters? For a draft the characters were really good, though.
Keep going? I would read more of this. Sorry if any of that was blunt or offensive, it's a little hard to convey any idea of tone or emotion through the computer. I did really like this, and it would be really fun to read an edited version of it.
I like that Sarah talks to the spere like she knows it isn't just an object. Also, I love your cliffhanger. Your gonna kill me.
I really liked it, I can't wait for more(though you already told me about a lot of it)
Wow, this is really good!