United States • 23 y/o • FemaleReviews Received
I sort-of get where you're coming from with this one, but the leap from heartbreak to 'monster' isn't really explained or clear, which is a shame. However, another good offering :-)
Does heartache make one a monster? In that case the world is only populated by monsters, which is a bit ... untrue.
Although this is a somewhat different take on the theme it IS yet another story about suicide/young death. The whole thing is becoming tedious, to be frank.
That being said, your personal story-telling skills elevate this one above most of the others. However, I do wish you would turn your talents to writing something more positive and upbeat rather than concentrate on this dreary, boring and overdone subject. You are MUCH better than this!
Wait... Your an awful friend because that's all I ever wanted?
Did you mean to say that?
The main fault with your story is in its presentation. I would have suggested something like this:
It was (on) a Wednesday that my older brother committed suicide or, as my parents would call it, (committed) the ultimate act of betrayal.
I suppose it was in a way; it was a very selfish act. He had only created more sadness in an already disastrous situation. He'd been bullied since sixth grade when he came out of the closet. I never thought of him differently. He was the same person to me. However not everyone else felt the same.
My parents had sent him to counselling, as if (he was suffering from) were some sort of disease. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe he thought his own parents didn't accept him, but I did.
I accepted him, so why wasn't I enough?
This is my fault. I should've tried harder to keep him happy, but it's too late now.
I stare out of the window at the storm. He always liked it when it rained. He may be gone, but he's still my brother. I walk out of his room and shut the door, taking the memories with me.
This feels incomplete. There is something here, for sure, but in its present form whatever 'it' is isn't there yet. You have aimed for an air of mystery but have ended-up with something that is neither mysterious or satisfying. If anything, it's frustrating :-)
Not your best effort; however the language, imagery and wording is very good. I wonder if this might perhaps have worked better as a poem..?
