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Thomas Ray

ThomastheRay is from US United States • 17 y/o • Male

A man can only stumble for so long before he either falls over or stands up straight. --Sanderson

Reviews Given

Hansel & Grettle Are the Bad Guys by Durandal

While the execution was really good, the premis is just genius. The ending almost felt too down to earth after the story we were just told, though

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Demons: Dawn of War by Durandal

Arite, so there's lots to discus. The prophecy thing at the beginning is very specific, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Just something to consider.
I'll ignore grammatical errors for now, because they aren't that important at this stage.
So.
Pacing.
This chapter is wild. Between his dream, finding magical powers, and his father's death, there's a lot like a LOT happening here.
The dream thing is fine. I've never really liked that kind of scene a whole lot, but it's fine.
The waking scene where he attacks a demon is more problematic. Firstly, we know nothing about this kid. So why is a demon's master commanding that he be kept alive? Why is he that important? Prophecy, probably, but why HIM for the prophecy? Moving on. Why did the kid attack the demon? He doesn't think he has powers, so why he goin round putting his hand out? Maybe, to solve this issue, you could put his wind magic stuff in his dream. If the dream isn't a normal kind, then it would make some sense. You could have him see himself attack a demon in his dream (by sticking his hand out, I guess) and then, as the demon turns to go he could be like "stupid demon, he's bigger than me, but I can't do a thing about it. Oh hey, in my dream...." then boom, demon gets angry, and departs, leaving a startled human behind.
Now. Character deaths.
We have absolutely no reason to care about this father. His death is basically pointless. Like, if he's only dying so that the main character won't be able to ask him questions and stuff and will have to go on a quest to get answers, then that's an issue. Also, the way he died was more funny than sad. He just coughed, then died. So, really ponder whether this death adds anything yo the story that would be impossible to do with the dad alive. Living characters are more interesting, after all.
My biggest problem with this chapter is that we've seen nothing about the main character that makes him unique. He hasn't had time to show us what his personality is like between these plot points.
I want a character I can root for, and believe in. He doesn't have to be perfect--in fact, he should be flawed. But you've gotta show us these events in a way that wouldn't be exactly the same from someone else's point of view. Show us how HE sees these things, not just the things. His father died, but was it his kind father? His invalid father? His abusive, secretive father?
Also, just, space these things apart a little. Give us the death in chapter five or something. I'm just here, considering what the relationship between humans and demons is like. Are they part of the same society? If so, do they get along? Do humans even know they exist? Are they actual demons, or is that perhaps just how humans have been taught to see them?
I'm going to end this review now, because it's super long. But you better tell me when the next part is released, because I want to read it. Hopefully this feedback is useful, too!

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Why? by Hazbin

Emotions are so important! Nice job.

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What Did I Do by Jazz

This is stunning. Good poetry is any poetry that makes a person feel, and this does exactly that.

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This Is Me by Hazbin

What instantly sprung to my mind was "is there really nothing I can do? Is there nothing people can do to help others?"
And sometimes, there isn't anything. But other times, there are ways, even if they're just small things, to better other people's lives.

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A Moment of Power by Mitzi Danielson-Kaslik

I'm not sure what to say, but... I recommend. I favorite. This is favorite-worthy

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