United States • 23 y/o • MaleReviews Received
Not 'too' far away rather than 'not to far away.'
'Blood was seeping into the snow' rather than 'blood was fading into the snow.' It would trickle down rather than turn pale.
Had you described the man flailing trying to retrieve his lost knife before striking back, then the action would've flowed better. You're descriptions of the fight are tense and fast moving, but bear in mind what I've written and you're writing will improve.
It's not always a bad thing.
Try writing 'dad was upstairs working on his computer' rather than 'the computer.' If Mom is in the kitchen working on a computer its a different one than Dad is using.
You portray a child's emotions plausibly, and I like the detail about the spiders webs moving. Perhaps you could've had them find out later if someone died prematurely in the house, or if a previous occupant had a scary experience there.
I like it but you could add more feel to it
This poem reminds me of many things. The first is Jesus and the grace of God because you repeat how the shame has been washed- a concept that's used repeatedly to describe how our shame and past are all washed away through His grace.
I also love how you say "there's a rainbow in your heart" and describe all the negative as outside and positive as inside, hinting that goodness comes from within. I like how you said the "life in survived trees" because that hints there's been a massive storm and it stripped everything away until there was only the goodness left. Beautiful metaphors in this poem.
It also reminds me of the song After The Rain by Rev Theory, so that's good, too. Sometimes, storms do indeed bring clarity.
This is pretty good. Horror aspect was okay, but the story in all is pretty darn good. Little different from all the cheesy horrors. You may have brought folk lore horror into a new light.
