United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
I'm not really sure what it was you were trying to do with this story. It appears to start in one direction then veer off in to another without any sort of sense or reason.
I get the impression that you had an idea for a story, but have not been able to execute it as well as you'd hoped. It's all a little confused. Any story should have the basic structure of beginning, middle and end. This sort-of starts, gets somewhat confused and ends. Overall it is disappointing.
Another disjointed, mishmash of a story. Your poor spelling and inappropriate use of certain words ruin much of your work and this is a prime example. This is just not a very good piece of writing.
What began as an interesting idea did not really fulfil its potential. Your style of writing in places is very stilted and awkward; old-fashioned, even. At times it reads almost as jokey; facetious even, which robs your words of the impact they were meant to convey. The overall feeling I get from your story is a level of uncertainty as to which direction you meant it to take: a serious dramatic story or one that is a little light-hearted. This story is a little of both at times.
All that being said, there is a good story-teller in you. I hope to read more from you.
One note of caution: it is NOT good practice to use numerals in prose. One should always write numbers in full.
An interesting and well-written opening to your story. Well done. :-)
Take care with your spelling and limit your comments in the 'Brief Description' to just a few words. There is no need to 'over-explain' things...
Good work. I look forward to reading more.
A good, confident beginning for a novice writer. I hope to read more from you :-)
BTW: the BRIEF description of the story section is meant as just that - a few words about the story. There is no need to go into as much detail as you have.
A nice, heartfelt poem somewhat spoilt by your failure to CHECK your spelling!
Take the time to use your computer's spell-check facility before submitting future work...
Your change of name has, regrettably, not led to a change of standard. As (what has become) usual, your story has spelling and grammar inaccuracies as well as being too short to make any sort of sense or impact.
I just do not understand why you will not take - and act on - the advice you are given. You have some really good story ideas, but you are so slapdash when you write that you spoil them completely. You do not do yourself justice by submitting such sub-standard work when it is clear you are capable of much better IF you put in the effort...
Some of the word choices in your story ("CHASMS in your face" - "FONDLING your coarse hair" - "With FLOCKING tears " - "Approaching QUAKE of footsteps") jarred with me. What should have been a memorably poignant piece of writing was spoilt by clumsy and inappropriate word use. Sometime the simplest phrasing is the most meaningful instead of 'overdramatising' with unnecessary descriptions.
Overall though, I liked the piece. A sensitive subject well handled.