United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Although the subject matter isn't something that I (a) have any experience of and (b) have no interest in I felt compelled to read your story to the end. I quite liked you 'conversational' writing style, which I found quite engaging.
I would caution, though, against using slang terms (see the Submission Guidelines) as they left me baffled. Also, the use of numerals in prose is bad practice (again, refer to the Submission Guidelines) and should be avoided. Overall, I enjoyed your writing and look forward to reading more from you.
I loved the concept behind this clever story, Rebs. I think the execution is a little 'clunky' in places as the flow of the story 'hiccups'. In saying that, though, I was hooked into the story right to the end, so that's to your credit.
A judicious edit and a little polishing would make this good story into a fabulous one :-)
Hi. Nice to read something new from you :-)
Having read some of your more recent works I can see the improvement in your writing style. Your inexperience when you wrote this shows through with the repetition of words and phrases, especially at the beginning. On the whole, though, it's another of your engaging and action-filled adventure/fantasy stories that keeps one reading right to the end. Good stuff!
As usual and, sadly, as I have now come to expect from your work, it's littered with grammatical and spelling errors. And, yet again, it's a nothing 'story'.
I just do not understand why you keep writing essentially the same thing over and over again. Not one of your stories is a story in the truest sense of the word. A REAL story has a beginning, a middle and end. Yours don't.
It seems to me you sit in front of your computer and write pretty much anything that comes into your head, whether it makes an iota of sense or not. What is blatantly clear is that you put very little thought or effort into what you submit, given that you make the same mistakes time after time. What's also clear is that you lap up all the praise and ignore the helpful advice given to you. That is to your eternal detriment. You will NEVER improve your writing if you carry on the way you are.
You have the capacity to be a good writer. Unfortunately your innate laziness will ensure that you remain strictly mediocre.
I fear you may alienate more than you'll draw in with this piece. Religion is always a contentious subject and seemingly ramming your beliefs down the throats of your readers is not a good means by which to endear yourself. There are other, more subtle but equally effective ways of putting your message across without being so bullish about it.
This is one of those apparently simple ideas that turn out to be a tad more complicated to write than it first appeared. I liked the idea behind the story, but the execution was not perhaps as good as it might have been. Still, on the whole, not the worst thing you have ever submitted, so that a plus :-)
If ever there was an example of using words and phrases for effect, this is it:
"careful not to disrupt the silence"
"my mind racing with the all information the frames could be holding"
"my heart beating harshly against its cage of ribs. My stomach hurt and boiled with the effort to stay upright."
"I fell to the ground, landing with a forever sounding thump"
I'm sorry, but this sort of writing is just plain bad. You are trying far too hard to be 'clever' that you are making yourself look silly. Just write how you think and speak, not how you think you OUGHT to write. You can write - and have written - better than this wasted effort.
YET another of your 'nothing' contributions. There is nothing about this poem that says anything about anything. Add in the forced rhymes and it's probably the worst thing of your I have read.