United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
I'm with Lemonslice here. I've mentioned before the 'incomplete' feeling of your works and this is yet another example. It's become tiresome as there is absolutely no need for it.
Yes, there is a limit to the NUMBER of items you can post at any one time. However, there is no limit on the LENGTH of what you post... Instead of posting piecemeal items, why not wait until you have a substantial chunk of a story to tell instead, rather like my 'Going Away' series? Each chapter is around 2000 words long, instead of the wasteful couple of hundred words you keep posting. Give yourself the opportunity to produce the best work you can.
You continually let yourself down and it's annoying because you are better than the stuff you post. PLEASE take more time and more care in what you submit. Other's will praise you to the hilt because that's what they choose to do. Realists will tell you the truth and give you advice, because that's more honest and helpful.
A couple of grammatical and spelling errors from the start was a off-putting when reading this piece ("she inquired" instead of "she Enquired"; 'definitly' instead of 'definitely') and again shows your slap-dash approach to your own work. Your computer has thesaurus and spell-check facilities. It would pay you to use them before submitting future works...
As for your story; an interesting little piece, if somewhat confused. You describe the girls eyes at one point as "cold begging" eyes. Why? What does it mean and to what purpose are those words used? Surely if the girl is begging the guy to stay they would be warm, inviting eyes?
I sometimes get the impression you use words and phrases for effect rather than for the purpose of telling the story; almost as though you are trying to impress with your vocabulary. It is something that many young writers are guilty of (and many not-so-young, too!) and more of than not had the reverse effect. Write what you really mean, not what you THINK you should.
I think you are still trying to find your 'voice' as a writer. It takes time and practice to achieve. Taking the help and advice given to you will help you on your way. You have the potential to be a very good writer... IF you shed the bad habits you have already developed.
Yet again another 'incomplete' piece of work from you.
It appears to me that you have an idea and put it down on paper 'as formed' instead of exploring it more fully and expanding upon it. Part of the skill of being a writer is to take a basic idea and to fill it out into a more meaningful story. This piece reads more like an outline or précis for a longer work, which as a reader, is frustrating.
Don't be swayed by all of the positive comments as they will mislead you. The negative and advisory comments serve a purpose, too. You have a certain story-telling talent that needs guidance and honing to turn into a skill. Other, more experienced, writers will help you willingly - if you are prepared to take their advice on board...
Another of your stories slightly spoiled because you do not take the time to CHECK it before submission. It is a really bad habit...
As for the story itself; there is an element of repetitiveness about it that is slightly off-putting when reading through it. I understand that you are trying to convey a sense of indecision and emotional turmoil in the piece, but (for me) it doesn't quite hang together successfully. Not that it's a bad piece of work, just not as good as it could have been in my opinion.
Oh dear. I do wish you had taken the time to CHECK THIS THROUGH before submitting it. It's littered with grammar and spelling errors, which totally undermines it. There is the germ of a half-decent story idea here, but your clumsiness and - sorry to say - laziness has ruined it.
One of the Golden Rules of writing poetry is that if you have to 'force' a rhyme, then it's not going to work. there are one or two examples in this poem whereby that yardstick is clearly in evidence. Which is a pity, as the poem - overall - is quite good.
Please also remember to NOT use slang or colloquialisms in your work. YOU might know what you mean, but others may not, especially international (or non-English speaking) readers.
Okay, I WANT to like your work. My problem is that I get a feeling of 'incompleteness' from some of your stuff, which frustrates me. This offering is a case in point. It doesn't really say anything (to me, anyway) nor does it go anywhere meaningful.
I would like to see more depth to your writing; more purpose, if you will. At the moment I feel that there is a poet trying to burst out, but has not quite found the right path just yet. Keep plugging-away at it, though :-))
Ignoring the fact that you ignored several of the site's Submission Guidelines (may I suggest that you actually read them..?) you have a nice flair for telling an engaging story. Your characters are a little shallow in places and some of the dialogue is a tad stilted, but that's okay. The overall impression was positive. Iron out the presentation errors and you'll have a great piece of work :-)