United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
Again, your choice to ignore another of the submission guidelines (that of using slang and colloquialisms) in your work rankles. You are better than some of the work you submit. Using cheap 'kop-outs' (such as 'kiester') demeans you and your work.
You say feel you are "getting the hang of poetry"? One golden rule to observe when writing rhymes, especially, is if you've got to FORCE the rhyme then it's not worth the bother. The rhymes should feel natural and smooth.
This is not your finest hour as you've produced much better work than this poem. However, as a learning experience, it's all valuable knowledge.
Allowing for the assumption that English is not your first language, there is still no excuse for ignoring the site's submission guidelines. There are many areas in your work where they have been totally ignored.
However, there is the germ of a good story here, but it need more work and more CARE taking over it if you do decide to continue with it. I would suggest that you edit this part first before you do so.
THIS is my kind of writing!
I love the way you get straight into the heart of the story, your characters coming to life through their words and actions. It's not over-embellished or described or padded-out with superfluous prose.
In my opinion, your story ends just where it needs to end: without a resolution or any answers. You leave those questions for your reader to figure out. THAT is good story-telling.
Without doubt, your best piece so far. Congratulations.
Whilst it seems fairly easy to write rhyming couplets there is an art to doing it in such a way as to make the lines flow naturally so that they 'trip off the tongue' when you read them. Some of your couplets are a little forced (a fault I also suffer from!) which interrupts the flow of your poem.
However, in saying that, there is enough content to provoke thought, which is no bad thing. Well done!
I sort-of get where you're coming from with this one, but the leap from heartbreak to 'monster' isn't really explained or clear, which is a shame. However, another good offering :-)
There is the basis here of a good story. However, clumsiness and failure to check your work before submitting it for publication is in danger of undermining your efforts.
I would advise that you re-read the site's Submission Guidelines. Your work, as presented, breaches a number of them. They are meant to HELP you produce the best work you are capable of. Ignoring them - or not bothering to red them at all - is really not a good idea...
Short, sharp... but ultimately disappointing.
This has potential to be something good, but the few words you have submitted do not really DO anything or take the reader on whatever journey you perceived.
I kind=of see your intention, but (for me) it has not really worked.
An interesting story... but I never got to the end due to my issues with your poor punctuation. take this paragraph for example:
"Lisa felt uneasy as she drove to the house, she’d heard stories about poor old people dying in their house alone, no one checking on them for weeks. Her uneasiness rose as she approached the little house, the lawn was overgrown and the letterbox was overflowing with junk mail. She walked up to the door and knocked, there was no answer and she could sense a stillness within. She knocked again and then made her way around the side of the house, she noticed the neighbours curtains flicker as she approached the open window."
This is MY punctuated version:
"Lisa felt uneasy as she drove to the house. She had heard stories about poor old people dying in their house alone, no one checking on them for weeks. Her uneasiness rose as she approached the little house. The lawn was overgrown and the letterbox was overflowing with junk mail. She walked up to the door and knocked. There was no answer and she could sense a stillness within. She knocked again (but after getting no answer) made her way around the side of the house. She noticed the neighbour's curtains flicker as she approached the open window."
Can you feel how more smoothly the sentences flow? Don't be afraid to use full-stops. If you have ever read any of Lee Child's books you will know immediately how effective they can be :-)
Also, be sparing in your use of contractions in your work. They stand out glaringly when over-used (check out the first few sentences in the third paragraph of your story...) They serve a useful purpose, but should not be used as a matter of course, as it seems you do in your writing.
You are a good story-teller and a good writer, but you have developed some bad habits that will stay with you (and mar your work) unless they are pointed out to you. I hope this helps!
Keep writing :-)