United Kingdom • 64 y/o • MaleReviews Given
A good fun read. Thank you!
This is an interesting idea for a story. There are faults with it (punctuation, spelling, etc.) that with some careful editing can be corrected to make this into the fabulous story it deserves to be.
An interesting idea that was, unfortunately, poorly executed. Trying to tell such a 'big' story in so few words was always going to be a big ask. You would have been better served, perhaps, by working your story into several chapters or parts, which would have allowed you to expand on your ideas in greater detail.
Even though you failed spectacularly at my challenge, the end result was worth it :-) This story pays its dues to the detective novels of the nineteen-thirties and forties in its style and language. A clever and inventive use of fairy-tale characters in a noir-type setting, which is slightly reminiscent of the movie 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'
Excellent work, Brian. I look forward to the next instalment...
Again, as with your other work. you ignore the basic rules of writing, which spoils everything you do. This could have been so much better had you taken the time to work on it properly and correcting all of the many errors that are strewn throughout the piece.
Thank you for your story. There is the basis here for a good story, but your rushed approach to your writing and the lack of attention to basic detail (punctuation, spelling, grammar) spoil your work. More care and attention will help you write a better story and also present it in a more acceptable and pleasing manner. The use of capitals is horrible.
Your story has many imperfections, which I attribute to English not being your first language. On the whole it is a fair attempt at an interesting subject, in spite of the sometimes 'preachy' tone you have used. Please bear in mind that people read to be entertained, not moralised to...
Good atmosphere, enough suspense and tension to keep the reader hooked into the story. All-in-all a creditable beginning to your story :-)