Andy (Formerly Apemann)

The numerous punctuation, grammar and spelling errors spoil what could have ben an otherwise interesting and engaging story. As it is, the faults get in the way of the pleasure to be gained from reading your work.

It's all the more annoying when a simple quick check with your spell-checker would have revealed the problems before you submitted your story. You do yourself a disservice by not taking those extra few minutes...

On the plus side, you have a good imagination. With care you could become a very good writer. :-)

Interesting philosophical thoughts from one so young. An engaging little piece. Well done and do keep writing :-)

The main fault with your story is in its presentation. I would have suggested something like this:

It was (on) a Wednesday that my older brother committed suicide or, as my parents would call it, (committed) the ultimate act of betrayal.

I suppose it was in a way; it was a very selfish act. He had only created more sadness in an already disastrous situation. He'd been bullied since sixth grade when he came out of the closet. I never thought of him differently. He was the same person to me. However not everyone else felt the same.

My parents had sent him to counselling, as if (he was suffering from) were some sort of disease. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe he thought his own parents didn't accept him, but I did.

I accepted him, so why wasn't I enough?

This is my fault. I should've tried harder to keep him happy, but it's too late now.

I stare out of the window at the storm. He always liked it when it rained. He may be gone, but he's still my brother. I walk out of his room and shut the door, taking the memories with me.

This was good... until the punctuation error on the third-last line marred it... ('im' for I'm)

Take a little more care with your punctuation. A nice poem.

I really nice idea for a story. As others have commented, take more care with your spelling and grammar: "I seen his smile forming..." for instance. USE your computer's spell-check and thesaurus facilities. that's what they are there for.

Nice work overall, though. Well done :-)

This is an interesting poem, but please take care with your wording. This sentence - "Cause she comes from such afar" - is grammatically incorrect and the word 'such' is unnecessary. Overall a good job :-)

MUCH better! However, there are still one or two silly punctuation errors. PLEASE use your computer's spell checker! A great improvement. Well done :-)