Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Although this 'story' has been approved for publication it is not rally what the site was set up for. However, as there already similar works published it would not be fair to reject your work. I must, though, make you aware that future works in a similar vein or theme will not be accepted. One further note: please read my piece 'How to Write a Teaser'. It might prove helpful to you...

An interesting premise for a story. Well done. Try to take a little more care with your punctuation (can't for cant, for instance) as it spoils your good work.

Sums up what it means to be a teenager in a few words. Clever and creative. I hope we see more of your work soon.

The problem with this style of writing is that it has very limited 'audience appeal'. There is nothing wrong writing for a niche market, of course, but why limit yourself when you have talent that deserves to be seen by the many rather than the few? Maybe something to think about for future submissions...

This was a good idea that you did not really explore to its full potential. As good as this story is as it stands, with a little more thought and consideration it could have been so much better. Fleshing-out your characters and the drama of what had happened to them to bring them to the situation you describe would give your little tale more impact.

I hope you will write more stories for us to read in future :-)

I quite liked the premise of your story. However, I found the unnecessary time references off-putting and the rather clunky "she goes" and "she comes" and so on also jarred. There are many good points to your story: I hope you will submit more of your work soon.

I feel your writing talent is being misdirected. Clearly you have a headful of stories that you would like to tell. With some guidance and advice you could become a good writer. In order to do so, though, you need to take more care with your writing and to pay more attention to detail. Much of what you write is good, but it is spoiled by a rather slap-dash approach. I would like to see your stories being praised for their content AND presentation - and I'll be the lead cheerleader when they are :-)

A good fun read. Thank you!