Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Allowing for the assumption that English is not your first language, there is still no excuse for ignoring the site's submission guidelines. There are many areas in your work where they have been totally ignored.

However, there is the germ of a good story here, but it need more work and more CARE taking over it if you do decide to continue with it. I would suggest that you edit this part first before you do so.

Whilst it seems fairly easy to write rhyming couplets there is an art to doing it in such a way as to make the lines flow naturally so that they 'trip off the tongue' when you read them. Some of your couplets are a little forced (a fault I also suffer from!) which interrupts the flow of your poem.

However, in saying that, there is enough content to provoke thought, which is no bad thing. Well done!

I sort-of get where you're coming from with this one, but the leap from heartbreak to 'monster' isn't really explained or clear, which is a shame. However, another good offering :-)

A couple of grammatical and spelling errors from the start was a off-putting when reading this piece ("she inquired" instead of "she Enquired"; 'definitly' instead of 'definitely') and again shows your slap-dash approach to your own work. Your computer has thesaurus and spell-check facilities. It would pay you to use them before submitting future works...

As for your story; an interesting little piece, if somewhat confused. You describe the girls eyes at one point as "cold begging" eyes. Why? What does it mean and to what purpose are those words used? Surely if the girl is begging the guy to stay they would be warm, inviting eyes?

I sometimes get the impression you use words and phrases for effect rather than for the purpose of telling the story; almost as though you are trying to impress with your vocabulary. It is something that many young writers are guilty of (and many not-so-young, too!) and more of than not had the reverse effect. Write what you really mean, not what you THINK you should.

I think you are still trying to find your 'voice' as a writer. It takes time and practice to achieve. Taking the help and advice given to you will help you on your way. You have the potential to be a very good writer... IF you shed the bad habits you have already developed.

Ignoring the fact that you ignored several of the site's Submission Guidelines (may I suggest that you actually read them..?) you have a nice flair for telling an engaging story. Your characters are a little shallow in places and some of the dialogue is a tad stilted, but that's okay. The overall impression was positive. Iron out the presentation errors and you'll have a great piece of work :-)

A nice effort, but take care with your spelling and grammar.

This would have also worked better as shorter paragraphs and the dialogue on separate lines. Something to bear in mind for future works... :-)

Keep up the good work!

One of the Golden Rules of writing poetry is that if you have to 'force' a rhyme, then it's not going to work. there are one or two examples in this poem whereby that yardstick is clearly in evidence. Which is a pity, as the poem - overall - is quite good.

Please also remember to NOT use slang or colloquialisms in your work. YOU might know what you mean, but others may not, especially international (or non-English speaking) readers.

Yet again another 'incomplete' piece of work from you.

It appears to me that you have an idea and put it down on paper 'as formed' instead of exploring it more fully and expanding upon it. Part of the skill of being a writer is to take a basic idea and to fill it out into a more meaningful story. This piece reads more like an outline or précis for a longer work, which as a reader, is frustrating.

Don't be swayed by all of the positive comments as they will mislead you. The negative and advisory comments serve a purpose, too. You have a certain story-telling talent that needs guidance and honing to turn into a skill. Other, more experienced, writers will help you willingly - if you are prepared to take their advice on board...