Andy (Formerly Apemann)

An interesting and well-written opening to your story. Well done. :-)

Take care with your spelling and limit your comments in the 'Brief Description' to just a few words. There is no need to 'over-explain' things...

Good work. I look forward to reading more.

What began as an interesting idea did not really fulfil its potential. Your style of writing in places is very stilted and awkward; old-fashioned, even. At times it reads almost as jokey; facetious even, which robs your words of the impact they were meant to convey. The overall feeling I get from your story is a level of uncertainty as to which direction you meant it to take: a serious dramatic story or one that is a little light-hearted. This story is a little of both at times.

All that being said, there is a good story-teller in you. I hope to read more from you.

One note of caution: it is NOT good practice to use numerals in prose. One should always write numbers in full.

Ignoring the fact that you ignored several of the site's Submission Guidelines (may I suggest that you actually read them..?) you have a nice flair for telling an engaging story. Your characters are a little shallow in places and some of the dialogue is a tad stilted, but that's okay. The overall impression was positive. Iron out the presentation errors and you'll have a great piece of work :-)

Okay, I WANT to like your work. My problem is that I get a feeling of 'incompleteness' from some of your stuff, which frustrates me. This offering is a case in point. It doesn't really say anything (to me, anyway) nor does it go anywhere meaningful.

I would like to see more depth to your writing; more purpose, if you will. At the moment I feel that there is a poet trying to burst out, but has not quite found the right path just yet. Keep plugging-away at it, though :-))

Due to your wordy 'brief description' I knew what was coming before I reached the end of your story. The idea of that section is to HINT at what the story is about , not to tell almost the whole story.

The story itself is okay. It feels like you tried to tell a complex story in too few words, which makes it feel a tad rushed. However, a reasonable effort on the whole :-)

It always a difficult ask to comment on someone else's religion-themed work. Leaving the theme aside, though, and concentrating on the form of your work is much easier! You have a slightly (if you'll excuse the unintentional pun) 'preachy' way of writing that is slightly off-putting. Whilst I appreciate your good intentions with you poem it left me irritated rather than pleased. I fear that other may also feel the same way, especially non-believers.

One of the Golden Rules of writing poetry is that if you have to 'force' a rhyme, then it's not going to work. there are one or two examples in this poem whereby that yardstick is clearly in evidence. Which is a pity, as the poem - overall - is quite good.

Please also remember to NOT use slang or colloquialisms in your work. YOU might know what you mean, but others may not, especially international (or non-English speaking) readers.

As a stand-alone poem this works very well. Regrettably I don't know the work 'Pledge' so cannot relate your poem to it. Chances are that I am not the only person who reads your poem who will have the same problem. It is one of the drawbacks when tying-in your work with something that YOU are familiar with. However, in saying all that, the poem has power and impact, which is to your credit.