Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Please re-read the sites Submission Guidelines again and edit your story accordingly. As is stands this submission falls a long way short of the guidelines...

Your numerous grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors ruin this story. Please use your computer's spell check and thesaurus functions BEFORE submitting future works.

A nice, heartfelt poem somewhat spoilt by your failure to CHECK your spelling!

Take the time to use your computer's spell-check facility before submitting future work...

I'm not really sure what it was you were trying to do with this story. It appears to start in one direction then veer off in to another without any sort of sense or reason.

I get the impression that you had an idea for a story, but have not been able to execute it as well as you'd hoped. It's all a little confused. Any story should have the basic structure of beginning, middle and end. This sort-of starts, gets somewhat confused and ends. Overall it is disappointing.

Oh dear. I do wish you had taken the time to CHECK THIS THROUGH before submitting it. It's littered with grammar and spelling errors, which totally undermines it. There is the germ of a half-decent story idea here, but your clumsiness and - sorry to say - laziness has ruined it.

As previously mentioned, your stories tend to be a little aimless in the way they are written. They lack proper structure and direction, leaving THIS reader somewhat confused as to the purpose of the story.

I get the impression that you don't always have a clear idea of what it is you are trying to convey in your writing. Much of what you present comes across as a series of events rather than a free-flowing tale. It does not make for an enjoyable or satisfying experience as a reader, unfortunately...

Okay, it's clear that you have a good vocabulary. What is not so clear is the way you have chosen to exercise it in this confusing puzzle of a poem. The line "To regurgitate hidden lusts of beauty" makes no sense whatsoever! I am all for experimental works, but when it reads like nonsense I have to question the 'why' of it's composition?

Oh dear, this could have been SO much better.

What you have presented is a 500-word outline of a much longer story. You have tried to cram a long story into a short one and, unfortunately, it just hasn't worked. There is no plot to speak of, no characterisation and no action of any description. It reads like an idea for a story that you've rushed to jot down before you forgot it. It certainly does not read like something you have put a great deal of thought or effort into...

You say that this is something of a departure from what you'd normally write. I would be most interested in reading your 'normal' output :-)