Andy (Formerly Apemann)

I read the first paragraph and came across FIVE errors! It put me off reading any more as I am 99.9% sure there will be more of the same.
This level of laziness is inexcusable as there are facilities on your computer to help you avoid silly basic mistakes. Why don't you use them?
For the record the five errors are:

brothers (should be 'brother's')
car, we left (should be: '...brother's car. We left...)
4 hour (should be 'four hour' or 'four-hour')
nerve racking (should be 'nerve-wracking')

This may seem harsh, but with good reason: you cannot expect people to take you or your work seriously if YOU don't. Posting such shoddy work gives a very negative impression and does not do you justice. Please take more care with future works.

What could - and should - have been an interesting and entertaining piece of work was completely ruined by the constant repetition of the word 'day. that in itself was bad enough, but to keep repeating it in capitals is unforgivable.

There are times when, as a writer, you have to take an impartial look at your own work and decide if it is REALLY what you intended to produce. I somehow doubt that this effort is the very best work you have - or ever will - produce. It does have merit, but not in its present form.

I understand the very personal nature of this poem. Unfortunately the way you have written it is so 'jumpy' and clunky it just does not flow properly. This makes it a difficult poem to read but - and far more importantly - the message you were trying to put across is completely lost.

In it's present layout it does not really work. This is not your finest hour :- ( I would suggest that you look at it again and re-work the poem into a more reader-friendly version.

Another piece that was unnecessary to read due to the lengthy 'brief' description of the piece you gave!

'Brief' means in a few words, not a full detailed description of what is to follow. Please try to remember that with future submissions.

As mentioned to you in private, the sheer length of this piece is daunting and will most certainly put-off a lot of people.

There are other issues, too: some of the language is flowery in the extreme, to the point of being almost unintelligible. I understand what you were trying to do, but you need to bear in mind that not everyone will 'go with you' on your literary journey.

The over-use of italics, too, is annoying - and goes against the site's Submission Guidelines. It's annoying and, to my mind, somewhat pretentious. Have you ever read a book where about two-thirds of the text was written in an entirely different font to the rest of the story?

You ARE a good writer, but this effort in its present form is not your finest hour.

To be honest your 'story' is not yet a story at all. There seems to be very little point to the thing. You've managed to say almost nothing in 256 words, so what was the point? There are barely enough words here to truly engage your reader. Short so-called chapters like this are a waste of time. Why not wait until you have a significant amount of work ready to submit instead of messing around like this?

I KNOW this is harsh, but it needs to be. In spite of my criticisms above you DO have a nice writing style. The problem is that you're wasting it on nonsense like this. If you are going to write a story then GIVE us a story, not this sort of fluff. You are better than this effort, I'm sure of it.

BTW: try to not give quite so much info in your intro to your work. You almost tell the whole story, which is not the idea. The key word in that section is BRIEF.

As a 'poem', this just doesn't work.

As a flash-fiction piece it would work perfectly (with a little reworking).

What a pity you spoiled an otherwise engaging story with this out-of-place line:

"Vaishnav! You good for nothing twat! I'm trying to teach an important derivation here!"

Surely your vocabulary could have come up with something less jarring and offensive than the word 'twat'? It's not the word I object to, more its use in this piece. You write so well - almost poetically at times - yet throw in this crudity without rhyme or reason. It does nothing for the story and certainly does not reflect well on you as a writer.

Regrettably it is this I will remember most about your story rather than the more important (and interesting) point you were trying to make.