Andy (Formerly Apemann)

An interesting idea that was, unfortunately, poorly executed. Trying to tell such a 'big' story in so few words was always going to be a big ask. You would have been better served, perhaps, by working your story into several chapters or parts, which would have allowed you to expand on your ideas in greater detail.

Again, as with your other work. you ignore the basic rules of writing, which spoils everything you do. This could have been so much better had you taken the time to work on it properly and correcting all of the many errors that are strewn throughout the piece.

Thank you for your story. There is the basis here for a good story, but your rushed approach to your writing and the lack of attention to basic detail (punctuation, spelling, grammar) spoil your work. More care and attention will help you write a better story and also present it in a more acceptable and pleasing manner. The use of capitals is horrible.

There are many issues with your story. You have tried far too hard with it instead of sticking to the basics. All that you are left with is a mishmash of badly conceived and executed ideas. However, everybody has to start somewhere and I would hope that you will continue to write as you will improve the more you do so.

There are a lot of technical problems with your story, but the bottom line is that it is just not very good. There is no obvious plot or action or, indeed, any discernible point to it.

Confused, confusing, incoherent, nonsensical. An utterly mind-boggling experience trying to READ this let alone make sense of it!

Your few words have no real impact or relevance. I fail to grasp what point you were (presumably) trying to make.

This reads like the whining of a bratty child who cannot get her own way and not what you claim: the true feelings of a teenage girl.

Other's have presented similar works and done a much better job of it. This really is not good.

Rather than submit non-original work, I would much rather read something YOU wrote.