Andy (Formerly Apemann)

This story is not without faults, but overall it works well.

The use of numerals in prose is really not very good practice. It is preferable to spell out numbers (seven years old, the nineteen-sixties, for example) than to use digits.

There are large gaps in your story: you basically gloss over a SEVEN YEAR OLD girl finding a mangled human body - which would have been a terrifying and traumatic experience for anyone, let alone a young child - and move on to having the resort reopened with the girl as an adult. This cannot and does not work!

There is little point in introducing an event in a story if it serves no purpose. You HAVE to have a reason for doing so other than for 'filler', which I suspect this example is. That's fine... if you can get away with it, but to drop in a massive bombshell like the one you have and then totally ignore it is clumsiness unbounded. You need to either remove the reference or explain it. As it stands it mars the story badly.

You need to separate your dialogue from the paragraph., thus:


It wasn’t long before he spotted Kyle on the couch. Before he could comment or get any closer I blurted out nervously.
“Something bad happened.”
It was like I had confirmed his suspicions. Without a word he lifted the blanket.
“Fuck Jane, I’m so sorry.” He did not react as I expected him to. Instead he hugged me hard.
“I’ll explain everything, but first we need to dispose of his body.”
He went back to his house and brought back what I assumed was a body bag. Tom placed Kyle’s body in the large bag and zipped it up.
"I’m going to take care of this.” He lifted the body bag. “Go clean yourself up and get some sleep. I’ll check-up on you when I get back.”

It's much easier to read and easier to follow when you write as above. Take care with punctuation, too (see my edits in the above sample).

As I have said previously, there are good points to your writing, but bad practices are letting you down. A lot more care and attention to detail will help, as will having a clear idea of where you want to take your story. If it doesn't really fit in the story DON'T WRITE IT is a good rule-of-thumb...

Although your story breaks the 'rules' of writing, understanding what you were trying to achieve with this work makes it permissible to break those rules in this instance. Well done!

Clumsy spelling and punctuation errors spoil this a little. However, you write well - with passion and intensity - which is to be applauded. Please take the time to double-check your work before submitting in future :-)

There is the basis here for a good story. Unfortunately you have not really told it very well. The scenes are clichéd and the dialogue stilted. There is little natural 'flow' to the story. You move from one idea or scenario with little in the way of explanation, which gives the story a somewhat 'clunky' feel.

You have also failed to follow the submission guidelines; the use of numerals in prose is very bad practice, yet there are numerous examples in your story. Number references should always be written in full: twelve years old, three-thirty, nine-one-one, for example.

Take time to check your spelling: "she manages not to hit another care..." would not be picked-up by your spell checker.

There is much to recommend in your story; at the same time it has many flaws. You write well but need to practice your art more - and to read more to get a better feel of how a story flows.

I fear you may alienate more than you'll draw in with this piece. Religion is always a contentious subject and seemingly ramming your beliefs down the throats of your readers is not a good means by which to endear yourself. There are other, more subtle but equally effective ways of putting your message across without being so bullish about it.

Your verbosity at times gets in the way of your story-telling. There are parts of this tale that are tortuous to read due to the sheer number of words you have crammed into a sentence! It is all very well demonstrating your extensive vocabulary... but when it's to the detriment of your work you have gained nothing. I urge you to just TELL YOUR STORY and keep the linguistic gymnastics to a minimum. You will be a much better writer for it.

This is getting better :-) It's not perfect, but it IS a big improvement on previous submissions.

Take care with your punctuation: Burger King should be capitalised, for instance. Also, you are using too many commas where a full-stop (or even a colon) might be more appropriate.

These are minor issues, however. The story is coming along well - although I still believe you can afford to submit longer parts...