Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Some of your punctuation is wrongly placed, which makes reading your narrative somewhat 'jumpy' as it doesn't flow as smoothly as it ought to. However, it is an entertaining story and a peek into life as a teen back in your youth :-)

Your story has many imperfections, which I attribute to English not being your first language. On the whole it is a fair attempt at an interesting subject, in spite of the sometimes 'preachy' tone you have used. Please bear in mind that people read to be entertained, not moralised to...

An interesting story, but at times is far too detailed to maintain reader interest. The minutiae of your telling is a tad tiresome and slows the pace of the story almost to a dead-stop in places. However, as an insight into social history it is revealing. Thank you.

This is developing into an interesting story. Unfortunately the errors in the piece detract from its overall effectiveness. Please take more care with your punctuation. It is spoiling otherwise good work as it interrupts the 'flow' of the narrative.

This is an okay little effort - but we have had so many similar stories. It would have been much nicer if you had offered us something new and original as you have talent that can offer far more than what others have already done before...

The numerous punctuation, grammar and spelling errors spoil what could have ben an otherwise interesting and engaging story. As it is, the faults get in the way of the pleasure to be gained from reading your work.

It's all the more annoying when a simple quick check with your spell-checker would have revealed the problems before you submitted your story. You do yourself a disservice by not taking those extra few minutes...

On the plus side, you have a good imagination. With care you could become a very good writer. :-)

I loved the idea behind this story, but it is a tad confusing in places. It would have helped immensely if you had separated the dialogue in to separate lines to make identifying who was speaking easier.

Calling your lead character 'big brother', whilst kind-of cute, doesn't really work for me. I would have preferred he had a name.

Overall, a good story. :-)

Although this is a somewhat different take on the theme it IS yet another story about suicide/young death. The whole thing is becoming tedious, to be frank.

That being said, your personal story-telling skills elevate this one above most of the others. However, I do wish you would turn your talents to writing something more positive and upbeat rather than concentrate on this dreary, boring and overdone subject. You are MUCH better than this!