Andy (Formerly Apemann)

Some of the word choices in your story ("CHASMS in your face" - "FONDLING your coarse hair" - "With FLOCKING tears " - "Approaching QUAKE of footsteps") jarred with me. What should have been a memorably poignant piece of writing was spoilt by clumsy and inappropriate word use. Sometime the simplest phrasing is the most meaningful instead of 'overdramatising' with unnecessary descriptions.

Overall though, I liked the piece. A sensitive subject well handled.

This is a hard one to review. On the one hand your writing is eloquent and engaging. On the other, though, I am left questioning the actual POINT of your story?

Your story doesn't appear to have any point or purpose, which is what has left me somewhat baffled. To write something for the sake of it is a waste of time (and talent!), which is what it feels like you have done here.

I look forward to reading more from you, and hopefully understanding it, too :-)

An interesting story marred by clumsy punctuation and spelling errors, which suggest that you did not take the time to read through your work before submitting it. It would also appear that you did not thoroughly read the submission guidelines as there are presentation issues too...

Your story-telling is good, but at times a little rushed which leaves gaps in your plot and narrative. Overall, though, not a bad beginning. Take more care with future chapters and you'll produce an engaging, entertaining story.

This feels incomplete. There is something here, for sure, but in its present form whatever 'it' is isn't there yet. You have aimed for an air of mystery but have ended-up with something that is neither mysterious or satisfying. If anything, it's frustrating :-)

Not your best effort; however the language, imagery and wording is very good. I wonder if this might perhaps have worked better as a poem..?

Not too bad, although I would have liked a bit more to-and-fro dialogue between to the two characters. The very long 'speech' in the third paragraph sounds a little evangelical; 'preachy', even. If it had been broken-up with a couple of interjections from the other person it would have smoothed the edges a little without diluting your message (which is well put!)

A good effort. Well done! :-)

An unusual allegorical tale that has (to my mind) one major issue: very early in the story you describe Sarah as a 'little girl'. However she uses words and phrases more suited to a more adult/mature person. The two just do not jibe... Unfortunately this conflict spoilt the story for me as I could not get past the fact that it was supposed to be a little girl's speech I was reading.

Overall, though, it's a good story and well told. I would suggest that you revisit this piece and amend it to remove the age confusion issue. It would be to the story's benefit :-)

Unfortunately TWO issues put me off reading the full story: the use of digits in the piece which is discouraged (as per the site's Submission Guidelines, which you appear to have not read...)

Secondly, the unnecessary repeated use of the professors' qualifications in brackets was also extremely annoying. This is a piece that has tried to be a little too clever for its own good - and has fallen rather flat I'm afraid.

With some judicious editing and reworking this could be a much better story than it is at present. You have some talent that much is clear. Do, though, be a little more careful with your work as you do yourself no favours with silly errors :-)

There is potential here for a really interesting and engaging story. However, by rushing through it in the manner you have so far, you are in danger of ruining what you are trying to achieve.

Take more time to fully explore you characters, to develop your plot and storyline and to write it so that it doesn't read like you could not wait to get down all the words before you forgot them. As an outline story, this works very well, but it needs work to develop it into the fleshed-out and fully rounded tale it deserves to be.